Michael Brown: Are you kidding me? I met Michael Brown last summer at Summit Ministries. He and his wife are really nice people. I spoke to him for at least thirty minutes and he didn’t make any gay jokes. He’s a pathetic excuse for a gay-basher. He should be thrown off the list immediately.
Chuck Colson: Please! I once wrote a “recommending reading” column that featured one of his books. He was so nice that he sat down and wrote me a very long personal letter of thanks. There was not one single reference to “homos” in the entire letter. It was pathetic, really. He’s undeserving. Take him off the list!
Maggie Gallagher: Stop picking on girl. That’s just gay. Next, please.
Kevin McCullough: What a joke. I once heard him correct a Baylor University professor for being too “harsh” in a debate with a homosexual. No one who stands up for civility in debate with homosexuals deserves to be on this list. I thought the Baylor professor was right so I deserve to be on this list. Plus, someone told me McCullough likes some of Elton John’s older music. I think that counts for something.
Jennifer Roback Morse: This woman called me a “meanie” on Facebook last week. So even she knows I’m meaner and more deserving of a pink-listing. Didn’t I tell you guys to quit picking on girls?
Frank Turek: This guy is the biggest joke of them all. I should know because we’re really good friends. What bothers me about his inclusion on (and my exclusion from) the pink-list is that I’ve helped nurture his anti-gay reputation. Remember my columns “The Cisco Kid” and “Bank of Gay America?” They highlighted the times Turek was fired from consulting gigs in corporate America just because he wrote a book opposing same-sex marriage. Don’t I get at least some credit for writing about Turek’s misadventures in an inflammatory way?
And, speaking of inflammatory, what about some of my column titles on homosexuality; “The Old Rugged Cross-Dresser,” “Big Fat Appalachian Drag Queens,” “Fat Lesbians on Crack,” “Perversity and Diversity at my Little University,” and “It Ain’t Over Till the Fat Lesbian sings”? What exactly do I need to do to get pink listed by these people? I even call them “these people” but to no avail.
In short, I have been unfairly excluded by a group that claims to be inclusive. You guys at SPLC are experts in making main-stream people appear radical enough to blacklist. So I thought I would turn to you for some advice. If you think of any, please do not hesitate to write. Until then, I’m headed to the cigar shop to smoke a couple of fags. But I’ll be checking my email (firstname.lastname@example.org) on an hourly basis. Let the games begin!