Mike Adams

I can hardly wait to get rid of Massachusetts. I think a lot of the Kennedys. In fact, several of the young Kennedy men would make great Canadian Prime Ministers – assuming they could find a campaign issue unrelated to national health care. Best of all, the Boston Red Sox would no longer be able to claim they are actually America’s team. We all know that title belongs to the New York Yankees.

Rhode Island also needs to go to Canada. It never really was a state. It’s just a suburb of Boston. Besides, there are too many Rhode Island Red Sox fans for my taste.

Getting rid of Connecticut is also a no-brainer. They haven’t voted Republican in years. I have no use for any state that could re-elect Christopher Dodd.

We need to make New Jersey a part of the Canadian package, too. You don’t really need to ask why, do you? Two words: Jersey Shore. (Imagine some of those guys trying to buy steroids on the national health plan up in Canada. Now that’s a Situation!).

Finally, we need to turn over Delaware to the Canadians. If we’re going to get rid of you, Mr. President, then we need to get rid of the Vice-President, too. Can you just imagine Joe Biden using the line about you being pretty clean and articulate for a black guy? If he repeats that line as a Canadian citizen they will convict him of a hate crime!

In my leaner – and admittedly meaner – 38-state America one thing is certain: We will never again elect a Democratic president.

You might think I am a) arrogant for asking you to reduce the size of your nation merely to accommodate my political goals. Or you might think I am b) a racist for making such a request. You might even think I am c) a sociopath who is losing touch with reality. But the true answer is probably d) all of the above.

In short, Mr. President, we need to reconsider the way we treat our friends. Our enemies might be inspired by our example.

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.