4. For every speech I give on a college campus, I promise (henceforth onward) to add at least one firearm to my collection. So far this semester I have received two speaking invitations. I plan to celebrate the first speech with a Stoeger 12-gauge double-barrel shotgun. I plan to celebrate the second speech with a Remington 1187 12-gauge semi-automatic shotgun. But I always need more guns so, please, contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org or contact the Young America’s Foundation (www.YAF.org) to bring me to your campus soon. That way, I can keep shooting off my mouth towards the end of shooting off more firearms. It may also cause distress to the people at PETA because I always send them pictures of my new guns along with pictures of the animals I kill with them.
As a matter of full disclosure, I receive copies of all e-mails sent to UNCW in response to my columns. So, if you write them, I will get a copy from my lawyers at the Alliance Defense Fund (please take the time to visit www.TellADF.org). I will respond by buying two boxes of ammo for every e-mail calling for my firing. I won’t get fired but the ammunition sure will. Thank you in advance for supporting my habit.
Whatever you do dear (not deer) anti-gun nuts, please don’t pay attention to that terrorist professor who built pipe bombs before he wrote Barack Obama’s fake biography. And keep ignoring that terrorist professor who works at Kent State University. They are not a threat to you. They aren’t conservative Christians.
Just keep tattooing your lower back, sleeping around, and aborting innocent babies. Someday the world will conform to your enlightened tolerance and your self-proclaimed moral superiority.