I’m sitting at my desk trying to think of ways to insult the followers of Islam as intentionally and as maliciously as the Park51 organizers have recently insulted the citizens of this great Christian nation. It isn’t easy to be as abrasive and arrogant as those who propose building a mosque at Ground Zero. But I’m trying my best.
Here are some of my ideas:
I propose building a mosque at Never Land ranch, the former home of Michael Jackson. I would then defend the building of the mosque by reminding opponents that people have been making pilgrimages to Never Land in order to worship a mentally deranged pedophile for years. Putting a mosque there would not change things substantially. Plus, one can reach California from Dearborn, Michigan in a couple of days. The same cannot be said of Mecca.
I propose building a large bomb filled with bacon grease, which would be dropped on the new Ground Zero mosque during the ground-breaking ceremony. Dubbed the “Mother of All Bacon,” or MOAB, this bomb would not actually hurt anyone. It would just permanently defile the location so that no one could worship there. That would take care of any Separation of Church and State issues in the event that Obama tries to use any future stimulus money during site construction. My bomb would also have a picture of Mohammed painted on the side with the caption “Mr. SOB” printed below.
In case you were wondering, “Mr. SOB” is short for “Mr. Scared-of-Bacon.”
Finally, I would propose setting up a vending area that fully surrounds the Ground Zero mosque. I would then gather a number of my redneck friends from South Carolina for a massive hog hunt. We would then sell the smoked hogs at vending locations near each entrance to the Ground Zero mosque. I would offer a “Boar-doba” special all-you-can-eat pig pickin’ platter for $9.11.
Before anyone gets too upset with my proposals and tries to behead me for my remarks on Islam, please remember two things:
1) I am writing this column with a loaded double barrel shotgun to my right and a loaded .357 magnum to my left. If you are a sword-wielding jihadist, please don’t bother. You’ll only annoy me and make me spill my coffee.
2) I am writing this column with tongue firmly planted in cheek. No follower of Jesus would take even one of my proposals seriously. They are meant to remind readers of just how crude, barbaric, violent, and intentionally insulting the followers of Islam really are. Religion of peace, my backside!