Mike Adams

In affirming the Ninth Circuit's 2009 ruling on behalf of Hastings, the Supreme Court majority limited its holding to the constitutionality of Hastings' "accept all comers" policy. That policy mandates that recognized student groups must accept all students into membership and leadership positions. It does not matter what beliefs they may hold.

Justice Ginsburg was not impressed by the argument that the policy allows students hostile to a group's core tenets to disrupt the group's mission, or even destroy the group altogether. Ginsburg claimed that such concerns are "more hypothetical than real." But I intend to make such concerns a reality for the unbelieving heathens.

The majority opinion stated that denying recognition to groups like CLS is permissible in part because groups denied recognition may nevertheless avail themselves of other means of communication, such as social networking sites, to reach fellow students. That means an invading group can turn a smaller, weaker group into second class citizens on campus. That’s what I intend to do to those groups who do not believe in God.

If they don’t like it they can go to hell. That’s where they’re eventually going anyway.

The Court acknowledges that such “accept all comers” policies may not in fact be desirable for maintaining robust debate on public college campuses. I concur. And I like it that way. I do not seek robust debate. I seek power over the godless heathen dissident.

The Court's majority opinion does not consider the constitutionality of non-discrimination policies as applied to belief-based student groups. Instead, the Court held that public universities like Hastings may only deny the right to freedom of expressive association to religious student groups like CLS if they deny this freedom to all groups.

So my campaign will conform to this opinion by first ensuring that there are no belief based groups on southern campuses. We won’t be able to discern the specifics of their beliefs by reading their constitutions. But we’ll be able to get the gist of what they’re up to by simply knowing the name of their group. Then we will seek to destroy groups whose names are even remotely suspicious. If I see any words like “atheist,” agnostic”, or even “free-thinker” I will know they are a group of godless heathens. Then we’ll move in for the kill.

The Court has remanded the Martinez case to the Ninth Circuit to determine whether Hastings' "accept all comers" policy was adopted as a pretextual means of censoring CLS or whether the policy has been selectively enforced against CLS. So we must be careful here in the Deep South. But I’m not worried. Who would ever suspect that a ban on belief-based groups could be turned against a bunch of non-believers?

In his dissent, Justice Samuel Alito observed that the Martinez majority has provided public universities with “a handy weapon for suppressing the speech of unpopular groups.” Alito is right as usual. After we get rid of the heathens we’ll turn our weapon on the gays, the blacks, and the feminists. We might even go after the Italians, too.

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.