Mike Adams

I got the idea for my progressive refreshment from an episode of South Park, of all places. Taking a satirical jab at embryonic stem cell research the creators of that offensive little show portrayed Christopher Reeves sitting in his wheelchair chopping up embryos in his blender to make some kind of an energy drink. After drinking a few he got up out of his chair and walked.

The point was effective but, of course, no one would want to do such a thing in real life. The embryos were harvested for another purpose. But, of course, aborted fetuses are routinely thrown away without any intention of using them in future scientific research. And I think that’s a real shame. Especially since the aborted fetuses are disproportionally black. It just sends a really bad message.

So I have decided in conjunction with a local clinic to use these aborted fetuses for a positive health related purpose. High in protein there really isn’t any reason why these discarded fetuses cannot be used to make energy drinks not unlike the ones created on the satirical South Park episode.

There will be some objections to doing this but most of those objections are simply irrational. For example, some will say that this amounts to cannibalism. That is patently absurd. If a fetus is not human then there is no chance that a human eating a fetus – or just small high-protein portions of a fetus – can be dubbed a “cannibal.”

Some will say that such a drink would be offensive to the taste or offensive in odor. But this must be considered in light of the fact that collards were served just last Saturday on “progressive gardening day.” Anyone who has ever had collards would be hard-pressed to imagine as strong and bitter-tasting a source of nutrition.

It really makes sense for people from my university to go to the housing projects to show mostly poor and black housing residents the techniques of progressive gardening. Freeing them from the use of pesticides is undoubtedly good for their health. But by advocating abortion and the callous discarding of the fetuses of mostly poor and black women we undo much of the good we seek to accomplish.

But under my plan we can turn what some would say is a Holocaust into a way of promoting the health of our weakest and most vulnerable citizens. It’s just my way of being progressive and giving back to the community.

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.