Mike Adams

It is also worth noting that Cane’s last name used to be “Christian” before he changed it. Had the university invited a man named “Christian” to campus people would have been more offended. Ironically, the name change probably prevented a number of atheists from, well, raising Cane.

Of course, William Cane is much more than a former Christian. He is also a former English professor, which means he once held a less meaningful job than that of a kissing expert. Now he offers great tips on, for example, how to kiss with braces. Officials at the University of Maryland would probably suggest that people skip kissing and go straight to fornication during those awkward brace-wearing years.

UNCG student Jamie Freeze had the best observation on the controversy when she said that "Teaching college students how to kiss is like teaching a two year old how to throw a tantrum.” I was so inspired by Ms. Freeze’s analogy that I wrote the University of Maryland and asked them to sponsor a speech/seminar called “How to be a Porn Star.” This will help Terrapins make their own movies and save the administration from further embarrassment.

This means that I can now turn my attention to another area where expertise is sorely needed. It takes the form of a new speech/seminar called “How Public Universities Can Waste Money in the Midst of a Recession.” I’ll be teaching that one and hoping Obama doesn’t cap my honorarium.

But, in all seriousness (really), I am in favor showing porn films and hosting kissing seminars on college campuses. It’s a good way to teach young people how to screw the taxpayers. Best of all, it teaches how to kiss them afterwards.

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.