Mike Adams

If I ran the zoo, I would interpret Title IX as prohibiting the building of a center for one sex but not the other. But I would raze the WRC, not build an MRC. This would be symbolic of the fact that Title IX is almost always used to destroy opportunities for some and provide opportunities for none. Afterwards, I would put a nursery in the place of the WRC to care for the children of female students who choose not to abort their children. I would reward these brave pro-life students with free tuition – paid for by doubling the tuition of male students who get women pregnant out of wedlock.

In the zoo in which I work, a pro life group was recently denied official status by the school. The reason was the injection of a “faith statement” in the club’s constitution – one the university saw as too exclusive.

If I ran the zoo, the people who rejected this pro life group would have to do community service. I would make them do it all for groups with whom they do not voluntarily associate. They would clean up beer cans at NASCAR races, spent shells at gun ranges, and diapers at Christian day care centers. And after they were through I would have them write “Diversity is our Greatest Strength” 100 times. Or, they could just admit that they don’t really believe in diversity.

In the zoo in which I work, feminists ban words they deem offensive. For example, they ban the use of words like “mankind” and phrases like “year of our Lord.” They are always losing control of their emotions –usually in the midst of asserting their equality, emotional and otherwise.

If I ran the zoo, the feminists would be sentenced to mandatory “de-sensitivity” training. In order to make them less sensitive, they would be strapped down and tranquilized while hearing disagreeable terms repeated in a soft and soothing (preferably female) voice. After hearing words like “adoption” and phrases like “innate gender differences” and “stay at home moms” they would eventually learn to tolerate ideas they don’t necessarily endorse.

That is really all I can think of at this time. So let me end with a little rhyme:

I guess that if I ran the zoo
This is what I’d choose to do
But since my name is not McGrew
I guess I’ll never run the zoo
And so I’ll sue and sue and sue.


Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.