Mike Adams

Yes, thank you very much. Please be seated. It was a pleasure speaking to you this evening. I have a few minutes to answer some questions before I speak to the reporter for the university newspaper. Yes, you on the front row, please go ahead.

You talked a lot about expanding the marketplace of ideas during your speech and the need for open debate.

I did.

Well I was reading one of your columns about how you get erectile dysfunction every time you hear a feminist speak. How does that contribute to the marketplace of ideas? And do you really get erectile dysfunction every time you hear a feminist speak?

Well, first things first. I simply write provocative columns in order to get people who disagree with my ideas to attend my speeches. Once they show up, we can begin to have a dialogue.

But that doesn’t actually work, does it?

Sure it does.

How do you know?

I know because you’re here and we’re having a dialogue. Thanks for attending and, no, you’re not giving me erectile dysfunction. Next question, please.

You talked a lot about adoption in your speech but you did not talk about adoption for gays and lesbians. Should gays and lesbians have to stand in the back of the line when it comes time to adopt? Could you give your opinion on that?

Well you are wrong to lump gay males and lesbians together in your question. Gay males have much less stable relationships relative to lesbian couples. Gay males also have very short life expectancies. Of course, children need stability and they need parents who will be alive for a long time. So, I think that if you are a lesbian wanting to adopt, gay males should get behind you in the line. But this is a speech about feminism, not homosexual adoption, so let’s move on.

(Unintelligible)

I’m sorry but could the members of the gay and lesbian club please settle down. I know you did not like my answer but this is not Smith College. I will not allow you to disrupt this speech by switching topics altogether.

Well, before I ask my question I just want to say that it’s ironic that you give speeches on free speech and then tell people to be quiet.

(Applause from gay and lesbian club)

Actually it isn’t ironic at all. The folks who are now applauding are the ones who were interrupting you.

Well, whatever.

No, no, “whatever” isn’t good enough. These folks were rudely interrupting your free speech rights. If I interfered with your free speech rights, you would be angry. But I didn’t. I was defending your free speech rights and you’re still angry.

Well, whatever.

Go ahead and ask you question but rolling your eyes and flipping your hair and saying “whatever” just reinforces the stereotype that you are angry. You look like Ann Coulter when you do that. I know that isn’t your goal.

Well, I just wanted to say that I was offended by your comments about the masturbation seminars and the orgasm awareness weeks. I love to have sex and I love to masturbate.

Well, I’m glad I stood up for your right to speak. For a second I thought you were going to say something stupid. But that was brilliant.

You say you want to do away with campus speech codes and “hostile environment” sexual harassment codes. Well, what do I do if some dude grabs me on the ass in the workplace?

Charge him with assault and battery. Next question, please.

Do you even know what it is like to be discriminated against for your gender?

Sure, I’m a man who works with feminists.

But you don’t know what it’s like to live as a woman in a patriarchal society. What am I supposed to do living in such an oppressive society? Don’t you have any serious advice for me?

Yes I do. Go find a better country. If you can’t make it here as a woman, you cannot make it anywhere. I’m not trying to insult you. I’m actually serious.

But I don’t want to go find another country. I like it here. What am I supposed to do?

Well, I guess you’re going to have to grow up. I’m sorry if that offends you.

Hi. I just want to thank you for coming here. I think a lot of the questions you’ve heard tonight have been very silly. I just want to say that I agreed with almost everything you said tonight.

Thanks.

The one part of your speech that I disagreed with was about the communists killing 100 million in 72 years. I mean, capitalists have killed just as many people.

No, now stop that, you’ve been taking a sociology class this semester, haven’t you?

Well, what about the Clinton administration and Kosovo and all the collateral damage and the same thing in Iraq?

Look there is a huge difference between killing people on accident and killing people on purpose.

Not all societies agree with you.

Can you name one?

No.

Look, even small children understand the difference between an accidental harm and an intentional one. If you accuse them of something they say “I didn’t do it.” If you say you saw them do it they will say “But I didn’t mean to.” If a little child can understand the importance of criminal intent so can you.

But that’s just a distinction invented by rich white males.

Now, stop that. When did Moses write the Book of Exodus?

I don’t know.

Did his writings predate the English common law?

I suppose.

Look Moses was not a rich white male. He wore sandals. You are going to have to promise me one thing. Will you promise me one thing?

That depends.

After you graduate, please try to forget everything you’ve learned in your social science and humanities classes and read, read, read. You’re a bright kid, I can see that. But you need to educate yourself and try to lose your affinity for identity politics. Fascism can only survive as long as there are scapegoats. The Nazis had the Jews. The feminists have the rich, white male patriarchy. No matter how much you try to appease them by repeating their catch phrases, they will never accept you as their equal. It might get you laid in the short term but it is not in your best interests in the long term.

Thank you so much for coming tonight. God bless you all. And God bless America.


Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.