Mike Adams

Go ahead and ask you question but rolling your eyes and flipping your hair and saying “whatever” just reinforces the stereotype that you are angry. You look like Ann Coulter when you do that. I know that isn’t your goal.

Well, I just wanted to say that I was offended by your comments about the masturbation seminars and the orgasm awareness weeks. I love to have sex and I love to masturbate.

Well, I’m glad I stood up for your right to speak. For a second I thought you were going to say something stupid. But that was brilliant.

You say you want to do away with campus speech codes and “hostile environment” sexual harassment codes. Well, what do I do if some dude grabs me on the ass in the workplace?

Charge him with assault and battery. Next question, please.

Do you even know what it is like to be discriminated against for your gender?

Sure, I’m a man who works with feminists.

But you don’t know what it’s like to live as a woman in a patriarchal society. What am I supposed to do living in such an oppressive society? Don’t you have any serious advice for me?

Yes I do. Go find a better country. If you can’t make it here as a woman, you cannot make it anywhere. I’m not trying to insult you. I’m actually serious.

But I don’t want to go find another country. I like it here. What am I supposed to do?

Well, I guess you’re going to have to grow up. I’m sorry if that offends you.

Hi. I just want to thank you for coming here. I think a lot of the questions you’ve heard tonight have been very silly. I just want to say that I agreed with almost everything you said tonight.

Thanks.

The one part of your speech that I disagreed with was about the communists killing 100 million in 72 years. I mean, capitalists have killed just as many people.

No, now stop that, you’ve been taking a sociology class this semester, haven’t you?

Well, what about the Clinton administration and Kosovo and all the collateral damage and the same thing in Iraq?

Look there is a huge difference between killing people on accident and killing people on purpose.

Not all societies agree with you.

Can you name one?

No.

Look, even small children understand the difference between an accidental harm and an intentional one. If you accuse them of something they say “I didn’t do it.” If you say you saw them do it they will say “But I didn’t mean to.” If a little child can understand the importance of criminal intent so can you.

But that’s just a distinction invented by rich white males.

Now, stop that. When did Moses write the Book of Exodus?

I don’t know.

Did his writings predate the English common law?

I suppose.

Look Moses was not a rich white male. He wore sandals. You are going to have to promise me one thing. Will you promise me one thing?

That depends.

After you graduate, please try to forget everything you’ve learned in your social science and humanities classes and read, read, read. You’re a bright kid, I can see that. But you need to educate yourself and try to lose your affinity for identity politics. Fascism can only survive as long as there are scapegoats. The Nazis had the Jews. The feminists have the rich, white male patriarchy. No matter how much you try to appease them by repeating their catch phrases, they will never accept you as their equal. It might get you laid in the short term but it is not in your best interests in the long term.

Thank you so much for coming tonight. God bless you all. And God bless America.


Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.