Dear President Bowles:
I write to you today with a heavy heart. It seems that after years of promoting “tolerance” and “diversity” in the UNC system – with millions of dollars of tax-payer funds – we have failed to eliminate intolerance completely. And we have also failed to establish an educational environment that comforts all students at all times.
As you may already know, we recently thought we had the battle against intolerance won. This semester, UNC-Wilmington even had to cover a rock with offensive words like (offensive word deleted), (offensive word deleted), and (offensive word deleted) to create some intolerance to eliminate.
Of course, the university immediately spray-painted over the words to symbolize the fact that it was getting rid of hateful speech that was not actually being uttered in a spirit of hatred on our campus. In fact, naughty words like (offensive term deleted) were only being uttered by white liberals who planned to cover them immediately.
Now, it appears that some hate speech has actually been uttered here at UNC-We’re So Bored We Spray Paint (offensive term deleted) on Rocks (hereafter, UNCW). Unsurprisingly, the incident happened after we tried to advertise a speech by Dr. Frank Turek (see CrossExamined.org). By the way, he’s from New Jersey so he should be treated as a member of a protected class.
After one of our College Democrats was placed on our College Republican mailing list as a joke - by fellow College Democrats who were as bored as the people painting (offensive term deleted) on rocks - he rudely demanded that we “stop emailing (him).” We’ve been having problems for years with College Democrats getting on our email list and sending rude messages.
So I responded by sarcastically by suggesting that their persistent tactic of signing up fellow Democrats for our list was proof of their intellectual superiority and maturity. (Author’s Note: This was done on the assumption that heavy sarcasm is not necessarily hate speech). Then, I politely invited them to come to one of our events to throw food. That joke was poorly received by a member of the College Democrats who mailed me the following (profanity has been del***d:
Hey f*** you, I bet you dont believe evolution either. How about you and your dumb f****** jesus freak friends go fall down some stairs.
ps how about you get John Mccain to give you a high five. (oh he cant lift his arms up) and also how about you go fight in the iraq war that you ignorantly support Good day, Matt
I think we can all agree that Matt’s message was hate speech. And every time hate speech is uttered on a college campus one thing is certain: Somebody is entitled to get lots of free stuff from the tax-paying public.
The practice of universities giving free stuff to a whole group as a result of the victimization of one person in a group is something about which the public knows little. But the public should learn more about it because it explains so much of what happens on college campuses today. For example, it explains why feminists at Duke University are so upset when they find out a woman wasn’t really raped.
And at UNC-We Need More Hate Crimes (hereafter, UNCW) it explains why homosexuals were so upset when one student wrote the word (offensive term deleted) on a student’s apartment door. They weren’t really upset until they found out the student in the apartment was not gay, which meant it really wasn’t a hate crime and they wouldn’t get any free stuff from the university.
So, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and I have decided to demand the following from the university:
1. A Jesus Freak Resource Center. Clearly, we need a Jesus Freak Resource Center where we can avoid being referred to as dumb (offensive term deleted) Jesus freaks – when, in reality, we are only Jesus freaks. The blacks have their own center and they aren’t ever referred to as (offensive term deleted) unless they are talking to each other.
2. A Special Frank Turek Jesus Freak Lecture. I am asking Frank to come back next semester and I will submit a request to the university to help advertise his lecture. I will keep asking him back every semester until the university stops losing my emails.
3. Mandatory Attendance at #2. When I asked the crowd at Frank’s lecture on March 24th “How many of you are professors at UNCW?” only one (business professor) raised his hand. One professor out of 500 is pretty pathetic. So I’m going to ask that attendance at the next Turek lecture be made mandatory. We can start by making it mandatory for all the professors who make their students attend speeches and plays about vaginas. Maybe we’ll just make it mandatory for feminists, or “wo-mandatory.”
4. A Jesus Freak Resource Center Website. We’re demanding our own website so we can post contact information for Life Line Pregnancy Center. The Women’s Resource Center has been losing their emails (asking to be posted next to Planned Parenthood) for six years.
5. A Jesus Freak Hate Rock. We want Rosemary DePaolo to paint “f*** you, I bet you dont believe evolution either. How about you and your dumb f****** jesus freak friends go fall down some stairs” on a big rock outside her luxurious mansion. Then she can have illegal aliens spray paint over it to show that UNCW is committed to eradicating actual hate speech not just fake hate speech. Then, the illegal aliens can paint graffiti (in Spanish) on the side of Rosemary’s mansion to show that commitment to diversity is about more than just patronizing (oops!, I mean, matronizing) black people.
I look forward to hearing back from you, President Bowles. As head of the entire UNC system, I know you won’t let us down. As a matter of principle we need to end hate speech against Jesus freaks now. But, more importantly, I think Jesus freaks are victims entitled to lots of free stuff.
Dr. Adams invites you to sign up (http://dradams.org/email_signup.html) for his newsletter – cause being that the stuff he sends out is free!