Mike Adams

1. Relaxing Gun Control in Australia. Recent restrictions on gun ownership in Australia have had deleterious effects on public safety. In fact, the rise in crime accompanying the rise in gun control in Australia provides just the kind of natural experiment needed to refute the claims of anti-gun propagandists like Michael Moore. But after Fred and his violently bigoted gang of terrorists show up down under – and there are no guns handy to re-establish the peace – Australians will be demanding the return of full rights to gun owners. And, clearly, the left and right will be united against this unspeakable coward.

2. Getting Fred Phelps out of America. It should go without saying that the second advantage to getting the WBC congregation to Australia is that it will get them out of America. Once gone, we can then deny Phelps and company re-entry as a punishment for their treasonous acts as Americans. There is little use denying that WBC is a terrorist organization, which has provided comfort and aid to America’s enemies in a time of war – both with their speech and with their actions. Keeping them out of the country may seem harsh but it is not nearly as harsh as the penalty they truly deserve for committing treason: death.

3. Getting Fred Phelps ready for the prospect of hell. It would be a good idea to let Fred go down under before he really goes down under. In January, it is quite hot in Australia. It’s not as hot as hell but it should allow him to acclimate before making his final destination.

Of course, it isn’t me who says Fred Phelps is going to hell; it’s actually Fred Phelps.

I’ve always said that gays were among the angriest people on the planet and, clearly, since Fred Phelps is so angry he must be gay. And the gays would agree with my assessment. They’ve always said that people who criticized gays are also gay. Hence, the gays agree with me that Fred is one of them.

Of course, this is all bad news for the obviously gay Phelps who says that gays are going to hell. Maybe he forgot to read Matthew 7:3 about “the log that is in (his) own eye.” And maybe that log is big enough to build a log cabin for two. Or start a campfire on his personal Broke Back Mountain in hell.

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.