Hooked on Ebonics

Mike Adams

11/28/2007 12:01:00 AM - Mike Adams

To Whom It May Concern (sswadm@usc.edu):

I was searching for scholarships at USC and found the following information on a "Black Alumni Association/Ebonics Support GroupScholarship" at The University of Southern California. In order to be eligible, one must be a "currently enrolled USC African-American." You also note that "undergraduate and graduate students are eligible" for the award of $500 to $3,000.

This is distressing because I am white but I am, nonetheless, fluent in ebonics. Would you consider making an exception?

Mike Adams

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To Whom It May Concern (sswadm@usc.edu):

I am in receipt of your auto-reply “response” to my request for information about scholarship opportunities at USC. I had an opportunity to visit the Social Work Department's home page. Subsequently, I searched for "ebonics" and found this document.

Unfortunately, it still does not answer my question. In fact, I have some new concerns about your student groups, which are referred to as “Social Work Caucuses.” Your department handbook says the following: “The caucus structure insures that any and all student groups have an opportunity to establish a mechanism to have a voice in the overall operations of the School.” I have my doubts about that.

Among your list of groups are the “Asian Social Work Caucus,” the “Black Social Work Caucus,” the “Latino Social Work Caucus,” the “International Social Work Caucus,” and the “Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgendered Social Work Caucus.” I am wondering whether you have a “White Social Work Caucus” or a “Caucasian Caucus.” If not, is there any interest in starting one, which may or may not address the specific needs of white social workers who speak ebonics?

I thank you in advance for your non-automated response.

Mike Adams

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To Whom It May Concern (sswadm@usc.edu):

Once again, I am in receipt of your auto-reply “response” to my request for information about the Social Work Department at USC. I hope you will respect my request that all future emails be written by a real person in direct response to my concerns. I have more since I last wrote to you.

In examining your “Scholarship Listings and Other Sources” I noticed that you offer a specific scholarship for Asian Americans. In fact, you offer two. You also offer a specific scholarship for African Americans who speak Ebonics. And, finally, you offer a “Mexican American Alumni Association” scholarship for Hispanics. (There is also a reference to a scholarship from the “California Association of Black Social Workers” and one from “Trabajadores de La Raza” – one I did not understand because my second language is Ebonics, not Spanish).

And, yet, you offer nothing for a Caucasian – not even a bi-lingual Caucasian, unless, of course, he (she or it) happens to be bi-sexual.

This is unacceptable and I demand a personal response.

Mike Adams

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To Whom It May Concern (sswadm@usc.edu):

I am really getting tired of these automatic responses. Could you please answer my serious inquiries about your program? Ever since the outbreak of wildfires in Malibu, California, I have felt a calling to give up everything – my job, my home, and most of my gun collection to come help white California liberals who have lost more in recent weeks than most people gain in a lifetime.

Given that I am bi-lingual, though not bi-sexual, I feel that I have more to offer than the average applicant who speaks only one language. Given my linguistic diversity, I would be ready, willing, and able to extend help to those in minority communities once white liberals in Southern California are back on their feet again.

Please take my inquiries more seriously than you have to this point.

Mike Adams

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To Whom It May Concern (sswadm@usc.edu):

I be really getting tired o' deez automatic responses. Could ya please answer muh ma f****n serious inquiries about yo' program? Ever since da outbreak o' wildfires in Malibu, California, I gots felt uh calling ta give up everything - muh ma f***n job, muh ma f****n home, an' most o' muh ma f****n gat collection ta come he`p whitey California liberals who gots lost mo' in recent weeks than most peeps gain in uh lifetime.

Given dat I be bi-lingual, though not bi-sexual, I feel dat I gots mo' ta offer than da average applicant who speaks only one language. Given muh ma f****n linguistic diversity, I would be ready, willing, an' able ta extend he`p ta those in minority communities once whitey liberals in Southern California iz back on they feet ag'in.

Please take muh ma f****n inquiries mo' seriously than ya gots ta dis here point.

Mike Adams
Word!

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To Whom It May Concern (sswadm@usc.edu):

I hope that in this final missive you will be convinced that your Ebonics Scholarship for blacks is among the most deeply offensive and racist programs offered in higher education – and that is really saying something. For years, conservatives have been trying to dismantle “liberal” government programs that encouraged blacks to remain poor, uneducated, unemployed, and, for women, pregnant out-of-wedlock.

Now you want to reward blacks for using improper English, which will surely be to their detriment in any respectable field – though not necessarily in the field of Social Work. Shame on you! And shame on your filthy racism.

The next email you receive will not be from me. It will be from my friend, Benjamin. He’ll be inquiring about the absence of a Jewish Social Work Caucus at USC. He has friends in the ADL. I’m told his second language is Hebronics.