Mike Adams

I am sorry that another communist chose to approach me with the ridiculous argument that Jesus’ multiplication of bread and feeding of masses was proof that Jesus, too, was a communist.

I am sorry that the communist who accused me of being “un-Christian” because I oppose socialism was unaware that I tithe 10% of my income to orphans in Africa – and that 100% of them are black.

I am sorry that this does not bolster the argument that capitalism=racism.

I am sorry that this un-bathed communist was forced to admit that he donates 0% of his money to charity.

I am sorry that his excuse for giving nothing to charity was “But, I’m not a Christian.”

Actually, I’m quite that happy he admitted the true basis of his hypocrisy.

But I really am sorry that he only halfway believes in the saying “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need.”

I am sorry that the half he believes in is the latter half of the saying.

I am sorry that the aforementioned communist did not shower because he believes that soap is bad for the environment.

I am sorry that his disdain for soap is wreaking havoc on my environment.

I am also sorry that yet another communist attacked my position on gay marriage by saying that the government should stay out of marriage altogether.

I am sorry that when I asked whether the government had the authority to keep a 43-year old from marrying a five-year old he could not give a straight answer.

I am sorry if the aforementioned communist was gay and, therefore, offended by my suggestion hat he could not give a “straight” answer.

I am sorry for my bad puns.

And, finally, I am sorry that the money I made giving my speech at UNC-C was spent on expanding a firearms collection that will help ensure that the Adams household will not soon be overtaken by un-bathed hippy communists who seek to re-establish the world’s most vile and murderous ideology with the possible exception of radical Islam.

I am sorry if any Islamic Jihadists were offended by the previous run-on sentence. I was just trying to avoid using any sentence fragments that might make this apology sound sarcastic. I really mean that. Seriously. I do.

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.