Dear Fellow UNC-Wilmington Professor:
I want to take a few minutes to thank you for sharing your views on abortion while I was urinating in the men’s restroom at our place of employment. I didn’t mind learning that your support for abortion is predicated on your belief that every child in America has a “constitutional right to be loved.” But I did mind that you tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention while I was facing in the other direction with my pants unzipped. Try your best to keep your hands off me the next time you see me in a public restroom unless, of course, you plan to run for the United States Senate.
Naturally, by the time I zipped up my trousers I began to contemplate your rationale for keeping abortion legal in America. I quickly fell in love with your method of expanding the number of rights guaranteed by our Constitution. Since you shared your “strong feeling” that all children have a constitutional right to be loved, I thought I would take a moment to share my strong feelings in the hope that these feelings will somehow be elevated to constitutional status despite the fact that they don’t actually appear in the Constitution:
• I strongly feel like I have a right to be free from funding a public education system that tries to advance an agenda diametrically opposed to my most cherished religious beliefs.
• I strongly feel like I have a right to walk across campus without seeing a feminist from the Women’s Resource Center showing students how to put a condom on a cucumber. (I can’t imagine why that silly feminist thought her cucumber could get her pregnant. Or maybe she thought it was pleasuring another feminist behind her back).
• I strongly feel like I have a right to buy gas for less than two dollars per gallon.
• I strongly feel like I have a right to be loved by Jessica Alba.
• I strongly feel like I have a right to be free from seeing women dressed in mini-skirts while (they are, not I am) wearing snow boots.
• I strongly feel like I have a right to free health care paid for by the citizens of France. They wouldn’t still be speaking French if it weren’t for Americans so I figure they owe us one. (Author’s note: I also reserve the right to use double negatives or to not use them if I don’t feel like it).
• I strongly feel like I have a right to have illegal aliens work in my yard free of charge on weekends. It’s the least they can do for wasting so much of my time by making it hard to find a parking space at Home Depot.
• I strongly feel like I have a right to urinate in a public restroom without having you touch me on the shoulder.