We hope that you recognise [sic] how unwise your conduct was and how badly [sic] reflects the UNC, and that you will publicly apologise [sic] on your blog?
European Human Rights Panel
Dear European Human Rights Panel:
I have read your letter and was deeply moved – to the point of offering this full and unequivocal apology, which will also be sent to my boss Erskine Bowles:
1. I am sorry that I do not care what my boss Erskine Bowles – a former member of the deeply corrupt Clinton administration – thinks on this or any other matter whatsoever.
2. I am sorry that your spell checker is broken.
3. I am sorry that you think people who are trying to fight European-style socialism are fascists.
4. I am sorry that you lost your dictionary.
5. I am sorry that you suffer from heterophobia.
6. I am sorry that some members of your group suffer from severe intellectual hernia that keeps them from understanding satire.
7. I am sorry that some members of your group really do understand satire and pretend not to in order to engage in political extortion.
8. I am sorry that political extortion has become less effective since Jesse Jackson started playing hide the sausage out of wedlock.
9. I am sorry that in your zeal to defend the gay bath houses in San Francisco, you failed to realize that there are no gay bath houses in San Francisco.
10. I am sorry that you were so offended by my recent column “How to Slaughter an Innocent Unicorn” that you were moved to write a letter of complaint to PETA.
11. I am sorry that some members of your group suffer from severe intellectual hernia that keeps them from understanding that, like San Francisco bath houses, unicorns don’t actually exist.
12. I am sorry that I am afraid of gay unicorns.
13. I am sorry that I cannot apologize on my blog because I do not blog.
14. I am sorry that you failed to understand the point of my satire, which is printed in bold letters below:
The very existence of Western Civilization is threatened by our failure to take Islamic Fascism seriously. To the extent that we give more air time to Ann Coulter’s f-bomb and less to Julio Pino’s pro-Jihadist writings, we endanger ourselves and our children. Political correctness, quite literally, threatens our very existence.
I hope you will enjoy my next column called “How to Murder an Intelligent European Human Rights Activist.” Please don’t consider it a threat. No such thing actually exists.
Dr. Adams can be reached at DrAdams.org when he is not bathing his white unicorn inside a gay bath house in San Francisco while eating good sushi and listening to a good song written by Yoko Ono.