I just don’t get it. Many city governments have had a chance to do something about serious panhandling problems but have been reluctant because of the First Amendment. For example, one of the local “leaders” in my hometown once refused to support an anti-panhandling ordinance because of free speech.
Sadly, the aforementioned politician had previously refused to support a local school teacher who used the word “niggardly” simply because it sounded like a word he didn’t like. In other words, he isn’t a defender of free speech. He just a) assumes that all panhandlers are black, and b) always sides with black people to get re-elected.
It goes to show that many self-proclaimed defenders of free speech are really just self-interested whores – present company excluded.
But now that I have realized most panhandlers use a word that “sounds like” a word I don’t like – most ask for a “buck” though they seldom discuss “angina” – I’ve decided to fight back. In fact, I’ve been waging my own personal war on panhandlers for months now. Since I’ve gotten pretty good at it, I’ve decided to share a dozen or so of my best responses to panhandlers. Hopefully, they will help you to avoid unpleasant encounters. So, without any further delay, I sincerely hope you enjoy the following:
Crack Head (hereafter “CH”): “Excuse me brother, but could you spare some change?”
Major Smart Aleck (hereafter “MSA”): “No, but if you would like I’ll go straight to the projects to buy you some crack rock. I like to know for certain how people are spending my money.”
CH: “Excuse me brother but …”
MSA: “You already asked me that once. Don’t you recognize me? Oh, I get it – you think all white people look alike. You’re a (rhymes with “bucking”) racist!”
CH: “Hey buddy, you got a dollar I could …”
MSA: “No sir. All I have is a bunch of 100 dollar bills and a gun.”
CH: “Hey brother, don’t I know you?”
MSA: “Yes. Yes, I believe you do. We met in jail after I pistol whipped that guy who tried to panhandle me after starting a fake conversation.”
CH: “Buddy could …”
MSA: “Hi, I’m with the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Could I have a few minutes of your time?”
CH: “Sir, do you have some money I could send back to my family in Mexico?”
MSA: (Hands him a single peso).
CH: “Buddy could …”
MSA: Hi, I’m with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Could I have a few minutes of your time?
CH: “Hey mister …”
MSA: (Faking conversation on cell phone). “I don’t know, Scott. I mean killing panhandlers is a little too much. I think they should just be castrated. We are talking about the first offense, right? Recidivists should definitely be hung or shot. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going liberal on you.”
CH: “Mister …”
MSA: “Could you spare some change?”
CH: “Sorry to bother you, sir …”
MSA: “Oh, you’re not bothering me at all. Lately, I’ve been eager to talk to a black male panhandler about racism. One of my communist colleagues thinks that racism causes poverty, which, in turn, causes panhandling. But I’ve never been panhandled by a black female. And I’ve been panhandled many times by white males. Clearly, racism is not your problem. What exactly is your problem?”
CH: “Sir …”
MSA: “I’ll bet you all the money in my pocket that you’re about to ask me for money.”
CH: “How did you know that?”
MSA: “Well, at least you’re honest. If you were a little brighter you would have said ‘You’re wrong’ and received $196 in cash. Of course, if you were brighter you wouldn’t be begging a guy with a loaded weapon.”
CH: “Spare change? Have you got a little spare change, buddy?”
MSA: “I’m sorry but I’m just too niggardly in my use of spare change. Don’t I know you from somewhere? Have you ever served on City Council? ”