Mike Adams

Dr. Adams: I saw a picture of an aborted baby once. The pieces were scattered about and a tiny little penis was sitting next to the baby’s head. Whose penis was it? Was it the woman’s penis?

(Audience laughter)

Student: I’m sorry but I didn’t hear what you said. Could you repeat that?

Dr. Adams: Sure. I saw a picture of an aborted baby once. The pieces were scattered about and a tiny little penis was sitting next to the baby’s head. Whose penis was it? Was it the woman’s penis?

Student: No, it wasn’t the woman’s penis.

(More audience laughter)

Dr. Adams: Very good. A woman doesn’t have a penis. So I guess it’s not just a woman’s body we’re talking about here.

***

Student: You fight so hard for pro lifers and their right to be heard. If I am pro-choice, do I not have a right to be heard? Why can’t I be pro-choice just like a pro-lifer can be pro-life?

Dr. Adams: That was what the whole speech was about - how we expand the marketplace of ideas without censoring our opponents. That’s why I paraphrased Mill by saying “censorship robs us of a greater appreciation of the truth via its juxtaposition with falsity.” If you asked such a question, you cannot have listened to more than five minutes of the speech.

Student: But …

Dr. Adams: Next question, please.

***

Student: You made a big deal out of the woman who broke the pro-life signs with her students. What about the people who bomb abortion clinics? Isn’t that worse?

Dr. Adams: Yes. Killing people is worse than breaking signs. That’s a pretty easy one. That’s why I condemned it in my speech just a few minutes ago.

***

Student: Dr. Adams, I just don’t understand why you have to be so sarcastic when you answer people’s questions – like that woman on the second row...

Dr. Adams: Well, listen to me this time. You’ve been up at the microphone three times to ask the same question. This is your final opportunity to grasp the point. The woman accused me of supporting slavery right after I gave a speech decrying campus racial segregation and racist affirmative action policies. The whole speech was about treating black people the same as white people. But she was so angry she did not hear a word I said. I have given you the same answer three times - with slight variations in wording – so it’s time to give someone else the microphone.

***

These tense moments are pretty rare in my campus speeches as I usually find common ground with my opponents. But, fortunately, the tense moments all have one thing in common: These liberals are simply not hearing what I’m saying. (If they were, they wouldn’t be liberals anymore).

So, clearly, if elected president, I must wage my war on liberalism with the goal of somehow getting these liberals to listen to what I’m saying. That is why I plan to provide (at government expense) an unlimited supply of Murine Ear Wax Removal Drops. This Carbamide Peroxide Ear Wax Removal Aid will be given to every man, woman, and child in America upon request. We will even give them to illegal aliens if our budget permits.

I predict that when these stubborn liberals get the wax out of their ears, they will subsequently be able to pull the corn cobs out of their (backsides). Who would have ever imagined that a government entitlement program would cause the destruction, rather than the furtherance, of the collectivist mind set in America?

Whoever came up with such a grand idea clearly deserves to be President. I thank you in advance for your vote.


Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.