I’m certain that news of my resignation will disappoint readers who have enjoyed my columns critiquing UNC-Wilmington’s leftist orthodoxy over the last several years. But I know their disappointment will be outweighed by UNCW’s joy upon hearing of my decision to leave the university. In fact, effective today, I’ll be leaving to begin my new career as a Winston Smith Professor Emeritus of Social Work at Missouri State University.
I have decided to take the position at MSU for two reasons: 1) I want to commit the rest of my career to the intellectual rape of my students by forcing them to lobby the state for policies that violate their deeply held religious beliefs, and 2) MSU encourages professors to intellectually and spiritually rape their students - even defending them when they are caught in the act.
I’m certain it comes as a surprise to many that a man who has fought so long and hard against political indoctrination in higher education would suddenly do an about-face and join the very forces he has battled with such passion. It reminds me of the time my undergraduate psychology professor started to develop an uncontrollable nose twitch coupled with a desire to stuff his office from wall to wall with things he really didn’t need. It wasn’t that he found rats to be desirable. But after years of observing them, he did start to mimic their behavior.
And I’m certain it will surprise many that my career path will lead to MSU – as opposed to Brown, UC-Berkeley, or UT-Austin. I wouldn’t have expected it either – not until I heard about the case of MSU Social Work student Emily Brooker.
Emily’s trouble began when she was forced by Social Work Professor Frank G. Kauffman to write a letter to the Missouri State legislature urging representatives to pass legislation that would allow gays to serve as foster parents and even to adopt children.
When Emily refused to do the assignment – because of her religious objections to homosexuality – she was punished. Her complaint about the assignment led to a formal disciplinary hearing.
The hearing was typical of those at most universities. Emily was given no lawyer nor was there any written record of what happened. But she reports that she was asked very personal questions about whether she believed that homosexuals are sinners. And then she was written up for openly confessing her religious objections concerning homosexuality.
Even though the Alliance Defense Fund has decided to represent Emily in a First Amendment lawsuit, I’ve decided to take the job at MSU. This decision is the result of my opinion that MSU is going to stand firm and defend Professor Kauffman (firstname.lastname@example.org).
Accordingly, during my first week at MSU, I plan to assign students to the following projects with assignments depending on important demographic variables:
1. Black students will write to the Missouri legislature to ask them to re-segregate schools – provided, of course, that the separate black schools are “equal” to the white schools.
2. Wealthy students will be asked to write the legislature to ask for expanded government welfare programs and higher taxes.
3. Feminists will be asked to write the legislature to ask for more restrictions on abortion and for laws mandating the wearing of undergarments and the shaving of armpits.
4. Divorced men will be asked to petition the legislature for increases in alimony payments.
5. Asians will be asked to petition the Department of Motor Vehicles for stricter driver competency examinations.
6. Jews will be asked to sign a petition asking Missouri to add a state holiday celebrating the birthday of Yasser Arafat.
7. Gays will be asked to petition the government for stricter licensing requirements for hairdressers.
8. Democrats will be forced to vote for Republican candidates.
9. Lesbians will be asked to sign a petition banning softball, and, finally;
10. United Methodist preachers will have to sign a bill forcing United Methodist preachers to actually preach the Holy Scripture on Sunday instead of just talking about their feelings.
I can hardly tell you how great it feels to finally have a job where I can obtain personal satisfaction by forcing people in other groups to do things they find to be offensive – even if it violates their conscience or some deeply held religious conviction.
I’m going to start my new job by writing (email@example.com) a note of thanks to my new colleague. Without Professor Kauffman I never would have made the transition from ordinary professor to extraordinary bigot and tenured fascist.
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