Even though the Alliance Defense Fund has decided to represent Emily in a First Amendment lawsuit, I’ve decided to take the job at MSU. This decision is the result of my opinion that MSU is going to stand firm and defend Professor Kauffman (email@example.com).
Accordingly, during my first week at MSU, I plan to assign students to the following projects with assignments depending on important demographic variables:
1. Black students will write to the Missouri legislature to ask them to re-segregate schools – provided, of course, that the separate black schools are “equal” to the white schools.
2. Wealthy students will be asked to write the legislature to ask for expanded government welfare programs and higher taxes.
3. Feminists will be asked to write the legislature to ask for more restrictions on abortion and for laws mandating the wearing of undergarments and the shaving of armpits.
4. Divorced men will be asked to petition the legislature for increases in alimony payments.
5. Asians will be asked to petition the Department of Motor Vehicles for stricter driver competency examinations.
6. Jews will be asked to sign a petition asking Missouri to add a state holiday celebrating the birthday of Yasser Arafat.
7. Gays will be asked to petition the government for stricter licensing requirements for hairdressers.
8. Democrats will be forced to vote for Republican candidates.
9. Lesbians will be asked to sign a petition banning softball, and, finally;
10. United Methodist preachers will have to sign a bill forcing United Methodist preachers to actually preach the Holy Scripture on Sunday instead of just talking about their feelings.
I can hardly tell you how great it feels to finally have a job where I can obtain personal satisfaction by forcing people in other groups to do things they find to be offensive – even if it violates their conscience or some deeply held religious conviction.
I’m going to start my new job by writing (firstname.lastname@example.org) a note of thanks to my new colleague. Without Professor Kauffman I never would have made the transition from ordinary professor to extraordinary bigot and tenured fascist.