Mike Adams
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Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I was responding to a student who was asking for special permission to carry his cell phone into class because his momma is diabetic. That’s why I’m late responding to your request for special permission to carry your cell phone into class because your mother “fell down and hurt herself.”

No.

Dr. Mike S. (stands for “Succinct”) Adams

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Dear (name deleted):

Thank you for your recent email informing me that you will not be in class next week because your back “hurts real bad.” Please try to avoid disclosing such medical information in future correspondence. Unless you strain your neck pulling your head out of your ass, I’m really not interested. Thank you,

Dr. Mike S. (stands for “Sultan of Sarcasm”) Adams

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Dear (name deleted):

I am in receipt of your request for help doing research on your English paper. I thank you for taking the time to ask me to look up some cases for you and get back to you with a brief synopsis of the significance of those cases. But first, I have a question. How did you know that I like helping undergraduates with their research papers – especially undergraduate English majors I’ve never met before? Unfortunately, another English major just got done defecating in the Faculty Men’s Room and I have to go flush the toilet and wipe his bottom for him. As soon as I’m done, I’ll get right to work on your paper.

Mike S. (stands for “Student Research Assistant”) Adams

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Dear (name deleted):

Hi. Thanks for writing to express your First Amendment right to say that I have no first Amendment right to criticize women for having abortions. I love getting emails from English majors, especially feminist English majors. Your assertion that a woman has the exclusive right to terminate a pregnancy without input or criticism from anyone, especially a man, is an assertion I’ve heard often. I’m not at all surprised that you based your conclusion on the observation that women are naturally better at raising babies than men. So, according to you, the whole issue of reproduction is a female issue and men should just shut their mouths.

If I may extend an olive branch and say that I agree that women are better suited for raising children, I hope you’ll return the favor and agree that men are better suited - because of physical differences and differences in disposition – for fighting wars. So, I think a man should be able to fight a war without having to listen to a woman’s opinion about it. Come to think of it, he should be able to turn on his army and murder one of his own troops without having to hear from a woman either.

Just as reproduction is a woman’s issue, war is a man’s issue. So, I would like to suggest that all of you war protesting feminists just shut up and let the men handle these manly kinds of things. A woman’s job is raising babies. Or did you mean to say something else?

Dr. Mike S. (stands for “Seeking to be as condescending as a feminist”) Adams

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Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.