Mike Adams

I’m going to be brutally honest with you in today’s column. I’m not having a very good semester and, lately, I’ve been having a hard time keeping my sarcastic remarks to myself – especially when it comes to interacting with students. In fact, the “drafts” folder in my hotmail account is full of letters I wrote but never sent because they were a little too caustic and darned near offensive.

But since my right-wing readers are not so easily offended I thought I would share those unsent emails in this column. Some are downright funny. And most give good insight into the culture of victimhood that pervades our campuses today. So I hope you enjoy reading these responses more than I enjoyed receiving the letters that inspired them:

Dear (name deleted):

Thanks for your note explaining why you brought a cell phone into Wednesday’s exam. As you know, cell phones are banned from tests because several of your peers have been caught using the text message function to store class notes and retrieve them during the exam. But, apparently, your case is different. You are concerned about your mother’s health. By the way, I thank you for providing – in your last email - a detailed list of all her medical ailments.

Your letter was heart wrenching. And it’s got me thinking about my momma, too. But, since my cell phone is broken, I’m writing to ask you a special favor. Could we resolve this conflict with your agreement to loan me your cell phone for the duration of the semester? That way, I can call my momma all day long just to check on her health. And, needless to say, I’ll be writing you soon with a full list of all her medical ailments. I sure hope her hemorrhoids aren’t acting up. I don’t want our emails to get too personal.

Dr. Mike S. (stands for “Sick of Hearing Excuses”) Adams

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Dear (name deleted):

Thanks for writing to discuss my decision to send you home from class early the other day. As you know, I do not allow students to have cell phones in class because of the recent outbreak of obsessive text messaging during lectures. I developed this policy when a girl on the second row engaged in a thirty minute text messaging conversation during one of my lectures. Every time her friend replied to a message her vibrator went off. I could hear it and I could also see students in her vicinity giving her dirty looks. She tried to say that she should be able to keep it because it was hidden down between her knees. She lost the argument, needless to say. So, please, don’t be a pansy. If a woman can go for an hour without using her vibrator, so can you.

Dr. Mike S. (stands for “Stop Being a Sissy”) Adams

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Dear (name deleted):


Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.