The prankster in Wal-Mart gave little thought to the formal consequences of committing his petty crime – ordinarily, it is a misdemeanor battery to intentionally spit on someone. The same could be said about the adult. He recognized that filing a petition with the local juvenile court was not the best way to handle the situation. Young punks respond to exactly two things: fear for their personal safety and public humiliation.The boy in Wal-Mart started running only because he believed he was mere seconds away from getting his (expletive) kicked. He clearly was. And the fact that he was also ridiculed by his friend virtually ensures that he won’t be harassing the next adult he sees in Wal-Mart. My guess is that he’ll be begging his friend not to tell anyone what happened. More humiliation will be good for his inner soul.
And that is really the first thing Israel needs to know about dealing with Hezbollah. Instead of relying on the United Nations, Israel needs to rely on the simple maxim that young Islamic terrorist punks are motivated by two things: fear for their personal safety and public humiliation.
And so the plan upon invading Lebanon is simple. In fact, it involves just three steps:
1. Upon the initial invasion of Lebanon, ignore the UN generally and its call for a restrained response specifically. Israel should invade Lebanon with the intention of killing as many members of Hezbollah as possible, using torture whenever it is necessary to find them.
2. After Hezbollah is reduced to 12 living members, heed the UN call for restraint by making humiliation Israel’s top priority. Sparing the lives of the last dozen Hezbollah members – one for each of Israel’s twelve tribes - will not necessarily be an act of compassion. In fact, I would recommend that each of the twelve be subjected to mandatory sex changes to maximize deterrence through public humiliation. It’s only fair since they’ve been beheading people for years. But, unfortunately, my top Presidential campaign advisors tell me that may be going too far.
Therefore, I suppose it should be good enough to dress the last twelve – I would call them the “Dainty Dozen” – in pink thong underwear before putting them on display in cages in downtown Tel Aviv. Their cages could also be equipped with one Toy Poodle, a stack of Playgirl Magazines, and a pink bathrobe just in case it gets cold at night. Their diet would consist solely of quiche, French pastries, and peach wine coolers to help numb the pain of their embarrassment.
3. Install a UN Peacekeeping force of 12 American feminist professors. This special peacekeeping force will be comprised of feminists with PhDs in psychology (by far, our most annoying feminists) who will meet with the “Dainty Dozen” on a daily basis to ask them the crucial question: “Why do you hate us?” These feminists certainly annoy the hell out of me. Imagine how irritated the terrorists will be when they are sentenced to a lifetime of sharing their feelings with a feminist who refuses to wear a burqua.
I hope you will agree with my simple three-step plan for dealing with Hezbollah. If you agree with the plan, you can make it a reality by voting for me in 2008. If you don’t like it, just vote for Hillary. That should give them one more reason to hate us.