Al Gore: Dr. Adams, I would first like to thank you for taking the time to do this interview for my second documentary – one that deals with the rise of the religious right in American politics.
Mike Adams: Second documentary? I didn’t know you did a first. What is it about?
Gore: It deals with the issue of environmentalism. It’s called…
Adams: That’s great, Al! I was meaning to speak to you about my concerns with recent fluctuations in the world’s climate.
Adams: Yes, really. It’s mid-June and I’ve been bothered by the cool temperature, lately. Almost every night when I go out on the back deck to smoke a cigar, I have to wear a sweatshirt. It was like that last year, too. In fact, it was especially chilly last May. I’m really concerned about global cooling.
Gore: Global cooling?
Adams: Yes, global cooling. That is what your first documentary deals with, right?
Gore: No, it’s global warming.
Adams: Global warming? What the hell are you talking about?
Gore: Are you going to ask all the questions? Who’s interviewing whom? Can I ask a question?
Adams: You just asked three but go ahead and ask one more.
Gore: In an editorial you once wrote, you suggested that you support building a wall between the U.S. and Mexico. If you are elected president, will you really do that?
Adams: Well, when I am elected president I will implement the plan I mentioned in a previous column.
Gore: Does it involve the military?
Adams: Yes. As we bring our troops back from Iraq – gradually over the next few years – we will align them on the U.S./Mexico border. They will be instructed to capture illegal aliens…
Gore: We don’t use that term anymore.
Adams: Well, I do. Stop interrupting me.
Gore: Well, you don’t have to get snippy about it.
Adams: As I was saying, they will capture the illegal aliens and force them to build a wall at gunpoint.
Gore: But, how will they get back over the wall after it is built?
Adams: They will climb over it unless they want to be shot.
Gore: How do you know they won’t just climb back over into the U.S?
Adams: Because there won’t be a 200-pound Marine on the other side threatening to shoot them with an M-16 if they don’t scale the wall.
Gore: After coming back from Iraq, do you really think we should send our soldiers to the heat of Arizona…
Adams: Don’t forget about global cooling, Al.
Gore: That’s not funny.
Gore: Have you given any thought to choosing a running mate?
Adams: Al, no offense, but I think you’re just too liberal for my ticket. I’m only kidding. Seriously, I was going to ask Neal Boortz but he respectfully declined because he couldn’t afford the pay cut.
Gore: Anyone else in the running?
Adams: Well, I may have to ask Mitt Romney if I expect to carry Utah. I really hacked off the Mormons last week. Or maybe Ann Coulter. Is she still available?
Gore: She’s not Mormon but I think she’s still single.
Adams: That’s not what I meant.
Gore: Is it true that you support the flat tax? If so, don’t you think that it’s unfair? Should the rich be forced to pay more income tax than the rest of us?
Adams: You mean “them,” Al. You’re rich, by the way. But the answers to your three questions are “no,” “no,” and “no.”
Gore: Do you care to elaborate?
Adams: Sure. I do not support the flat tax because we tried it before and it didn’t work. Twenty years later, we have seen thousands of changes in the tax code. The IRS is, once again, terrorizing the American people and bogging down the economy. I will not support any plan that falls short of eliminating that communist organization. I hate the I.R.S. This country is simply not big enough for both of us.
On the issue of fairness, you are woefully misguided. Imagine you are dining at an expensive restaurant. You and a friend sit down at a table and order only two cups of coffee and refills. When you pay your bill two hours later, is the waitress happy that you tipped her 20%? Of course she isn’t. She made eighty cents.
Now imagine that you and a friend sit down and order two appetizers, two filet mignons, four margaritas, and two desserts. When you pay your bill two hours later, is the waitress happy that you tipped her 20%? Of course she is. Same rate, but she made more money so she’s grateful. The difference is that the I.R.S. is never grateful to the rich.
Now, what would happen if the restaurant imposed a mandatory gratuity of 10%? What would happen if they raised it later to 20%? What would happen if they raised it all the way up to around 50%? Eventually, people would just eat at home and the restaurant would go out of business.
If the Democrats had their way, half of everyone’s money would go to the I.R.S. – unless, of course, you were rich. In that case, a clear majority of your money would go to the I.R.S. The Democrats see I.R.S. employees not as public servants but as martyrs in their economic jihad against the American citizen. You either understand what I’m saying or you’re just a bad tipper.
Gore: Hey, don’t bring Tipper into this.
Adams: Sorry, Al. Next question, please.
Gore: You’ve been quite outspoken about the educational lottery in North Carolina…
Adams: Al, I object to your use of that phrase. It’s an oxymoron. The success of the lottery relies upon the fact that most citizens are so uneducated that they deem a lottery ticket a good investment. If the lottery – I call it the idiot tax – ever succeeded in educating vast numbers of people they would stop playing the lottery at once.
Gore: Be that as it may, how can you oppose anything that sends money directly to the public schools?
Adams: That’s easy, Al. As soon as you tell me the money is used to fund “public” anything, you’ve lost me. If you want to use a lottery to expand any aspect of the government you are presumed guilty by me until proven innocent.
But public education is an especially bad investment because the value of the product keeps declining every year. If you were trying to sell me a stock, I would first have to look at a chart of the value of the stock over the last twenty years – assuming it was available for that long. If the chart showed a steady decline in value for years on end, I would put my money elsewhere. That is one thing that can be said of all people who support public education. They are simply bad investors.
Gore: You seem awfully sure of yourself, professor. Have you ever made a mistake in your life?
Adams: Yes, Al, I certainly have.
Gore: Well, what was it?
Adams: I voted straight Democrat in 1992.