Mike Adams

I just try to treat the life of Jesus as a murder mystery, which is easy to do since he was, in fact, murdered. If you want to solve the mystery, you have to know everything you can about the victim. To do so, you should prefer eyewitness testimony over all other forms of evidence. There was no better type of evidence back then. And, of course, only a fool would give preference to the accounts that were written later. That is a backwards way of thinking. I mean that literally.

Q: Then why does The Da Vinci Code suggest that members of the Council of Nicea conspired to exclude certain books for sexist reasons, if it isn’t true?

A: Because The Da Vinci Code is fiction.

Q: How do you know?

A: Because I picked it up at Barnes and Noble in the section marked “fiction.”

Conversation 3

Q: Won’t you admit that there was a conspiracy to label Mary Magdalene as a whore in order to deny her true place at the top of the Christian hierarchy?

A: No.

Q: Aren’t you open-minded enough to even consider that Pope Gregory’s public labeling of her as a whore was an intentional act undertaken in concert with the members of the Council of Nicea?

A: No.

Q: Why not?

A: Well, Pope Gregory made the statement in 591 A.D. If he were Pope during the time of that council, too, that means he called Mary a whore in the 266th year of his pope-hood. You conspiracy theorists are either profoundly ignorant of history or just plain crazy enough to believe in time travel. I don’t know which is worse.

Conversation 4 

Q: Why do you keep demanding that I produce evidence to support my theories? Do you have evidence to support everything you believe in?

A: I don’t know. Test me.

Q: You believe Jesus was a real person who walked the earth, don’t you?

A: Yes.

Q: But they haven’t found Jesus’ bones have they?

A: No.

Q: Is that consistent with the Bible?

A: As a matter of fact, yes. It is consistent with the story of his resurrection.

Conversation 5 

Q: Did you hear that they have uncovered evidence that Adam had another wife before Eve?

A: No. But, please, tell me more.

Q: She was not subservient to Adam so he divorced her and married Eve. Since Eve was more submissive they put her in the Bible.

A: Well, that’s certainly impressive research. When you got your Master’s Degree at Duke, I assume there was a “Dr. They” who uncovered all of this information. Or maybe there was a They Institute of Historical Research.

Q: Why do you have to be so crass and cynical?

A: I’m only joking. But when people talk about what “they” have discovered or research that “they” have done, I find that “they” generally don’t know what the hell “they” are talking about.

Conversation 6

Q: Are you really serious when you say that there would have to have been too many people involved in a conspiracy to keep Mary Magdalene’s marriage to Jesus a secret?

A: I am.

Q: Well, what about the fumes coming from airplanes?

A: I don’t know what you are talking about.

Q: Well, they have found that the government has been using commercial airplanes like the one we are on now to spray the earth with chemicals to counteract the effects of global warming. The government makes them do it. You can tell because the fumes look different from the earth than they did before global warming.

A: Ma’am, that is rich. I’m going to write about it in my column next week. I hope you don’t mind if I quote you. I promise not to reveal your name in the column. I don’t want to hurt your career as a practicing psychiatrist.

Good day. I have another flight to catch. Could you please hand me my book?

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.