I used to think The Koran was the best book to read in the airport, simply because carrying it guarantees you’ll never get searched by airport security. Later, I decided that The Book of Mormon was better because it guarantees the person sitting next to you will never start a conversation during the flight. Now, I’ve decided – once and for all, I think – that The Da Vinci Code has both of them topped.
Toting Dan Brown’s book is far better than toting the aforementioned works of fiction because it helps to identify my least favorite segment of American society – the conspiracy theorists. The following excerpts from real conversations – conversations people actually initiated with me after seeing my copy of The Da Vinci Code - explain why I now carry it to work, to restaurants, and just about everywhere except for church:
Quacky conspiracy theorist (Q): So, you’re just now reading The Code? What took you so long? How do you like it?
Adams (A): Well, I’m trying to enjoy it like a Grisham novel but, unfortunately, people are taking it way too seriously.
Q: Oh, do you mean the religious right?
A: No, I’m talking about the whacky conspiracy nuts who actually think the book is evidence of patriarchal oppression. Those nuts really annoy me.
Q: Well, you have to agree that it’s curious that the Bible was written by males, don’t you?
A: That’s a great point, I’ve never really thought of that.
A: Yes, really. I’ll remember that the next time I read a report from the Women’s Resource Center or the Women’s Studies department.
Q: What does that have to do with it?
A: Obviously, since all the authors of those reports are women, they must be involved in a conspiracy to oppress men. I think I just discovered a new concept; matriarchal oppression. Thanks for the inspiration.
Q: Oh, I just love that book. Have you read about the Council of Nicea and how they conspired to keep out the Gnostic Gospels? It was all so political the way they choose the Books of the Bible, don’t you agree?
Q: Well, why not?
A: I’ve read the Bible seven times, the New Testament ten times, and all of the so-called Gnostic Gospels.
Q: And what have you concluded?
A: The New Testament books were selected long before 325 A.D. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John were either written by eyewitnesses or on the basis of eyewitness evidence. The Gnostic Gospels were not. In addition to being incoherent fragments, they were written many, many decades later.
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