Mike Adams
Good morning, students! I can see by the expressions on your faces that you are surprised to see me empty-handed this morning. After all, you took a test last class meeting and probably expected your results back today. But, don’t worry one little bit. I have a good reason for not grading your exams. I simply didn’t feel like doing it.

Not once, during the first 41 years of my life did I ever entertain the notion of shirking my responsibilities simply because I “didn’t feel like” doing something. But that’s all changed this semester. Despite the fact that I am paid to give and grade exams, I have decided to follow a philosophy of life modeled by several of you this semester. And I’d like to thank you all before I explain how my new philosophy of life is going to affect you between now and the end of the semester.

First of all, thanks to the young lady who comes to class on time on Mondays, late on Wednesdays, then skips on Fridays.

And thanks to the young man who sits on the back row and chats with the guy sitting on his right every Monday. When his friend skips (every Wednesday and Friday) he talks to the girl seated on his left. Thanks also for not bothering to bring something to write with or write on for most of the semester.

Thanks to the young lady who just now decided to ask me how many tests we have this semester. Thanks for not reading the syllabus once during the last three months of class.

Thanks to the young lady whose cell phone went off during class last week.

Thanks to the young man whose cell phone went off in class two weeks ago.

Thanks to the guy who wore his MP3 player during our last exam. I know it didn’t say anything in the syllabus about not listening to electronic devices – especially ones that can both record and play – while you’re taking a test. But thanks for not jumping up on the desk, pulling down your pants, and defecating during the exam. I didn’t ban that in the syllabus, either.

Thanks to the gentleman who came late to the exam without a pen or paper.

Thanks to the woman who spent our entire review session asking me what was going to be on the test by repeating terms and asking “Is this important?” The answer is “yes.” Being a chronic pain in the ass is important. It means your co-workers will probably hate you as much as your professors – that is, if you ever graduate from college.

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.