5. The EEOC. For years, Americans have had equal opportunity. But the EEOC has long been focused on ensuring equal outcome, not equal opportunity. I will hasten the elimination of this office by passing an executive order banning the mere mention of race on all federal job applications. This will happen as early as January 2009. Bill Clinton pushed for a national dialogue on race during one year of his presidency. I will push for four solid years without talking about race. Morgan Freeman will also be one of my top advisors.
In an effort to shut down these offices, I will ask attorney and radio talk show host Neal Boortz to be my running mate. America will immediately save money with Vice President Boortz in the White House. Since he will be flying Air Force One, we can save money on the government payroll starting on day one. This will also save money on shampoo and other unnecessary hair care products in the White House.
There will also be important changes in foreign policy. My top advisors in this area will be Phyllis Schlafly (Secretary of State) and Ann Coulter (National Security Advisor). Unless they advise otherwise, I plan to withdraw troops from Iraq and send them into Syria to recover the WMDs hidden there by Saddam Hussein prior to the Iraq War. After they are recovered, our troops will head to Tel Aviv to hand the WMDs over to the Israeli Army. They will be used to immediately retake possession of the Gaza strip.
Shortly thereafter, our nation will experiment with a significant nuclear arms reduction by turning 10% of our nuclear weapons over to the Israelis. We will also capitulate to the demands of left-wing American professors by withdrawing all troops from the Middle East. This will not be an admission that they are right but, instead, a safety precaution. We don’t want our troops to be in harms way when Israel turns Iran into a glass parking lot. The fallout from this decision should be significant, literally speaking.
Resistance to our foreign policy initiatives – at least from the United Nations - will pose no problem. My Treasury Secretary, Donald Trump, will be given control over the United Nation’s building shortly after they are deported from this country for trumping United States foreign policy for decades. I expect the unsightly building to be turned into a Trump Manhattan Casino by early 2010.
As for the Supreme Court, I will follow the lead of President Bush by appointing personal friends to the Court. David Limbaugh will receive a nomination and Ben Shapiro will become our youngest Justice. The Alliance Defense Fund’s David French will also be nominated. If Ann Coulter wants to be the first female Chief Justice, she will have to get to know me better. Needless to say, I’m all for that.
If you want to learn more about my plans for America, maybe I’ll see you next week at Auburn. Or maybe it will be Atlanta. Before long, our campaign will be coming to a college campus or micro-brewery near you.
Editor's note: "The Professors," a new book about Mike Adams' favorite target (besides deer), is now on sale at the Townhall Book Service for 29% off the cover price.