Mike Adams
On Tuesday, March 7th at Auburn University, I will make an important public announcement. From behind a podium in Room 217 in the Foy Student Union, around 7:30 CST, I will announce my intention to run - as a Republican, of course - for the Office of President of the United States of America.

The following night - on March 8th at 5 Seasons Brewery in Atlanta, GA - I will formally kick off my campaign with a more detailed speech around 7pm EST. In these speeches, I plan to outline my vision for America – a vision that should propel us into a future where the three evils of socialism, terrorism, and feminism will soon become relics of the past.

The most ambitious aspect of my presidency will be a drastic reduction in the size of the federal government. In my first term, I plan to eliminate all of the following government agencies:

1. The United States Postal Service. Put simply, the cost of a stamp and the percentage of “lost mail” should be inversely related. For years, the Postal Service has had this backwards. Their period of probation has, in my view, expired. Therefore, they will be eliminated. This should make the folks at UPS very happy.

2. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. This decision is guided not by principle but by self-interest. As I rapidly approach the federal limitations on gun and ammunition ownership something must be done. There isn’t enough room in this country for both my gun collection and this antiquated agency. One of us has to go. Since I will be president, they will have to go.

3. The Department of Education. For the life of me, I can’t understand why the Republicans ever scratched the plan to abolish this useless agency. When it comes to cutting the size of the federal government, my plan will soon be known as "All useless government agencies left behind." This decision came around the time Bangladesh passed us in mathematics and reading comprehension.

4. The Internal Revenue Service. I will begin with a proposal to allow Americans to claim their firearms as "dependents" as early as 2009. This means that the tax burden will be shouldered almost entirely by convicted felons. This will put the IRS out of business in short order. That is good news because the IRS is largely responsible for this nation’s steady drift away from free market capitalism to socialism over the latter half of the 20th century. We will cut off the problem at its source in the early years of the Adams administration.

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.