Dear Jonathan (Garthwaite):
I am writing to submit my letter of resignation as a regular columnist for your conservative website. My decision comes in response to the following letter, submitted by a professor in my department to all the other professors in my department (myself excluded):
… When Adams puts his place of employment and his job description at the bottom of his (Townhall.com) articles, he is drawing on his professional reputation and the reputation of this university (UNC-Wilmington) to convince readers of his argument. If I was [sic] his employer (Chancellor Rosemary DePaolo), I would interpret the below article (“NOW and THEN”) as sabotage, given the graphic nature of his language and obvious contempt for 4/5 [sic] (it is actually closer to 3/5) of our student population.
Snowden’s letter raises a number of points that have been crucial in my retirement decision. The main points are enumerated below:
1. This letter was forwarded to me shortly after I checked my mail in the Department of Sociology and Criminal Justice. In the vicinity of the mailbox, there is a sign reading “Dumb F**k Mountain.” The poster – which shows a picture of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney below the title - was placed there by another professor. Despite the fact that it is actually stapled to the wall of a university building, Snowden has voiced no objections. After all, it’s private speech. But my articles have a by-line (attached by the editor) mentioning my professional affiliation. Therefore, this constitutes “sabotage.” It is unclear whether “sabotage” is merely a tort or, if an actual crime, a felony or a misdemeanor.
2. The second sentence of this missive begins with the words “If I was his employer…” Snowden is not my employer and she never will be my employer. In 2001, she filed a report with the UNCW police alleging that I helped spray tear gas in her office. After the accusations were found to be false, her dreams of becoming my boss were pretty well destroyed. The only real question is whether filing a false felony accusation against a colleague is “sabotage.” I’ll leave that for the chancellor to decide. Given that a) the chancellor is a feminist and b) feminists never condemn fellow feminists, Snowden may well be falsely accusing her colleagues of terrorism for years to come. This is funny, given that she actually teaches a course in counter-terrorism.
3. The suggestion that I have contempt for 4/5 of the student population raises another interesting point. Since women constitute the majority on our campus, it is perplexing to see us continue to treat them like a minority with special services like a “Women’s Resource Center.” After all, they not only outnumber the males but also outperform them in the classroom.
4. Recently, the university Christmas tree was dubbed “offensive” by the administration, which resulted in simply renaming it “the tree.” Now, my columns have been dubbed “graphic.” Well, what about the phrase “Dumb F**k Mountain”? Isn’t that a graphic and offensive phrase? And what exactly is “Dumb F**k Mountain”? Is it the place where they recruit college administrators? Or is it where they train people to teach “counterterrorism”?
So, Jon, you can see why I’ve decided to call it quits. These hypocritical university leftists are just too easy for me to handle. Since none present a remotely interesting challenge to me intellectually, I must simply move on to greater challenges. That is why effective March 1st of the year 2016, I am retiring as a columnist for your website.
Between now and my official retirement date in ten years, I will write no more than 1000 columns mocking university feminists, administrators, and assorted leftist screwballs. If anyone has a problem with that, there is no part of my backside I do not cordially invite them to kiss.
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