Mike Adams

MAD: The problem is that I have spent millions hiring all of you to cover for my occasional mistakes. When something goes wrong, I need to you notify me immediately and then take the blame yourself.

Chancellor, may I speak?

MAD: Yes, what is it.

You just made another mistake. The woman you just had dragged out of the room for not standing was a paraplegic.

MAD: No problem, drag her back in. We need a new Vice Chancellor for Disability Services.  Now, let’s get back to Michaels. He’s been complaining about something that happened on the softball team a couple of years back. What was that all about?

Well, it seems that a straight Christian softball player had a problem with some of the lesbians on the softball team.

MAD: What? What do you mean? There are straight girls on the softball team? I told you I wanted an all-lesbian team. We have to keep up with our diversity initiatives.

Well, yes, I know, I’m the Vice Chancellor of Diversity.

MAD: Not for long, if you don’t get me some more lesbians. Now I may have to fire the athletic director.

But you already fired the athletic director.

MAD: Was she a lesbian?

I don’t think so.

MAD: Good, then don’t worry about it. Now, let’s talk about this stupid rumor that I won’t allow the food servants to speak to me in the office. What’s that all about?

Well, most of them are black, chancellor. It doesn’t look good for diversity when you tell them they can’t speak.

MAD: That’s fine. Just get me some more white servants. Just tell them to shut up when they see me. And what shall we do about this stupid rumor going around about my husband? It has been said that he called out some university employees during a major storm because the top floor of our mansion was getting hot. When they arrived, so they say, it was discovered that he left the upstairs heater on in September. This looks really bad because it sounds like we dragged those workers away from their families during hazardous conditions.

It’s called a hurricane, Chancellor. But people say it looks bad because it makes your husband look like a bumbling sissy.

MAD: Well, fire them!

We can’t. Everyone on campus seems to think that you are a vindictive tyrant. If we keep firing people, it makes it look like you really are.

MAD: Oh, really?


MAD: You’re fired! Where’s special assistant Mark Derriere?

Right here, Chancellor.

MAD: Have you told the press that those stories are all lies?

Not yet, Chancellor.

MAD: Well, call the Morning Pravda and tell them that anything they hear about my husband is a lie. That’s why I pay you $130,000 a year. You’re supposed to cover my ass, Derriere.

(Someone knocks on the door)

MAD: Who is it?

It’s food services. Your lunch is here.

MAD: Come in and don’t say another word. I told you not to speak to me when you serve me! Who’s in charge, here, anyway?

You are, Chancellor Delpablo.

MAD: I thought I told you to shut up! You’re fired!

To be continued …

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.