Chancellor Marie Antoinette Delpablo (MAD) decided to call a meeting of her 37 top advisors (16 special assistants and 21 Vice Chancellors) in order to address numerous public relations crises at her (unnamed) university. Somehow, the tape recording of the meeting was sent to me by accident. I decided to transcribe and publish the tape in order to better inform the public of how their institutions of higher learning are being run. Here are the highlights:
MAD: Before we get started today, I want to address a minor issue. I noticed that there are numerous cigarette butts located near the entrance to my building. Why is that?
Well, that’s actually a smoking area, Chancellor …
MAD: Excuse me; did you raise your hand? Did I call on you? Who’s in charge here? Tell me, who’s in charge here? Let me hear from the Vice Chancellor for Waste Disposal.
But, Chancellor we don’t have a Vice Chancellor for Waste Disposal…
MAD: Well, then, we’ll convene a search this afternoon. I’ll be in charge. Is that clear? Where’s the HR director?
I’m over here, Chancellor.
MAD: Get me someone else to fire. If you can’t find someone, hire someone for me to fire.
MAD: Now, the major problem we are having is with this idiot in Hall Hall.
But, Chancellor it isn’t called Hall Hall, it is called…
MAD: Well, why not? Mr. Hall donated several million dollars to have a hall built in his honor. It should be named after Mr. Hall.
But as Vice Chancellor for Disability Services, I must advise against that. That’s the building where they are conducting studies on speech impediments. We don’t want it to sound like we’re making fun of stuttering.
MAD: Well, I guess you’re fired! Did you hear me stutter? Let’s move on to the next order of business. Who is that person who failed to stand when I entered the room?
She’s just recording the proceedings but she can’t …
MAD: Have the Vice Chancellor for Security remove her at once. Who’s in charge here?
You are, chancellor.
MAD: That’s right. Now let’s get back to the idiot who is causing us all the public relations problems. What was his name?
Michaels. Dr. Adam Michaels.
MAD: Yes, he keeps claiming that we don’t respect free speech. We have to stop him from saying that.
But, Chancellor, aren’t we playing into his hands if we do that? Doesn’t that make you look like a censor?
MAD: Shut up!
MAD: The problem is that I have spent millions hiring all of you to cover for my occasional mistakes. When something goes wrong, I need to you notify me immediately and then take the blame yourself.
Chancellor, may I speak?
MAD: Yes, what is it.
You just made another mistake. The woman you just had dragged out of the room for not standing was a paraplegic.
MAD: No problem, drag her back in. We need a new Vice Chancellor for Disability Services. Now, let’s get back to Michaels. He’s been complaining about something that happened on the softball team a couple of years back. What was that all about?
Well, it seems that a straight Christian softball player had a problem with some of the lesbians on the softball team.
MAD: What? What do you mean? There are straight girls on the softball team? I told you I wanted an all-lesbian team. We have to keep up with our diversity initiatives.
Well, yes, I know, I’m the Vice Chancellor of Diversity.
MAD: Not for long, if you don’t get me some more lesbians. Now I may have to fire the athletic director.
But you already fired the athletic director.
MAD: Was she a lesbian?
I don’t think so.
MAD: Good, then don’t worry about it. Now, let’s talk about this stupid rumor that I won’t allow the food servants to speak to me in the office. What’s that all about?
Well, most of them are black, chancellor. It doesn’t look good for diversity when you tell them they can’t speak.
MAD: That’s fine. Just get me some more white servants. Just tell them to shut up when they see me. And what shall we do about this stupid rumor going around about my husband? It has been said that he called out some university employees during a major storm because the top floor of our mansion was getting hot. When they arrived, so they say, it was discovered that he left the upstairs heater on in September. This looks really bad because it sounds like we dragged those workers away from their families during hazardous conditions.
It’s called a hurricane, Chancellor. But people say it looks bad because it makes your husband look like a bumbling sissy.
MAD: Well, fire them!
We can’t. Everyone on campus seems to think that you are a vindictive tyrant. If we keep firing people, it makes it look like you really are.
MAD: Oh, really?
MAD: You’re fired! Where’s special assistant Mark Derriere?
Right here, Chancellor.
MAD: Have you told the press that those stories are all lies?
Not yet, Chancellor.
MAD: Well, call the Morning Pravda and tell them that anything they hear about my husband is a lie. That’s why I pay you $130,000 a year. You’re supposed to cover my ass, Derriere.
(Someone knocks on the door)
MAD: Who is it?
It’s food services. Your lunch is here.
MAD: Come in and don’t say another word. I told you not to speak to me when you serve me! Who’s in charge, here, anyway?
You are, Chancellor Delpablo.
MAD: I thought I told you to shut up! You’re fired!
To be continued …