Chancellor Marie Antoinette Delpablo (MAD) decided to call a meeting of her 37 top advisors (16 special assistants and 21 Vice Chancellors) in order to address numerous public relations crises at her (unnamed) university. Somehow, the tape recording of the meeting was sent to me by accident. I decided to transcribe and publish the tape in order to better inform the public of how their institutions of higher learning are being run. Here are the highlights:
MAD: Before we get started today, I want to address a minor issue. I noticed that there are numerous cigarette butts located near the entrance to my building. Why is that?
Well, that’s actually a smoking area, Chancellor …
MAD: Excuse me; did you raise your hand? Did I call on you? Who’s in charge here? Tell me, who’s in charge here? Let me hear from the Vice Chancellor for Waste Disposal.
But, Chancellor we don’t have a Vice Chancellor for Waste Disposal…
MAD: Well, then, we’ll convene a search this afternoon. I’ll be in charge. Is that clear? Where’s the HR director?
I’m over here, Chancellor.
MAD: Get me someone else to fire. If you can’t find someone, hire someone for me to fire.
MAD: Now, the major problem we are having is with this idiot in Hall Hall.
But, Chancellor it isn’t called Hall Hall, it is called…
MAD: Well, why not? Mr. Hall donated several million dollars to have a hall built in his honor. It should be named after Mr. Hall.
But as Vice Chancellor for Disability Services, I must advise against that. That’s the building where they are conducting studies on speech impediments. We don’t want it to sound like we’re making fun of stuttering.
MAD: Well, I guess you’re fired! Did you hear me stutter? Let’s move on to the next order of business. Who is that person who failed to stand when I entered the room?
She’s just recording the proceedings but she can’t …
MAD: Have the Vice Chancellor for Security remove her at once. Who’s in charge here?
You are, chancellor.
MAD: That’s right. Now let’s get back to the idiot who is causing us all the public relations problems. What was his name?
Michaels. Dr. Adam Michaels.
MAD: Yes, he keeps claiming that we don’t respect free speech. We have to stop him from saying that.
But, Chancellor, aren’t we playing into his hands if we do that? Doesn’t that make you look like a censor?
MAD: Shut up!