It reminded me of our conversation in 2004. You said my columns were too caustic, too inflammatory. But now it’s 2006 and you’re still reading them, even though they make you angry. That brings me to my next point about feminism.
9. Feminists have been angry for so long that they no longer feel comfortable being happy.
You know exactly what I’m talking about. Like the time you got mad at me for opening the door for you. You thought it was a “patriarchal” gesture. So now I just let the door slam shut in your face. I’m trying to make you happy but it – the joy, the happiness, the peace of mind - just won’t take hold.
Of course, there is a simple solution to your problem. You could just stop reading my columns, couldn’t you? Some nasty Texas woman named Molly made me mad with a column one time. So I just stopped reading her columns. Now, I can’t even remember her last name. It was Ivans the Terrible or something like that.
But, of course, you can’t stop reading my columns. You’ll run off copies and take them with you to The Vagina Monologues in early February. You’ll lace up your boots and march across the stage chanting the various names for your genitals. And while you’re there, I’ll be wearing boots, too - hunting boots, that is. I’ll be shooting quail 150 miles from here with some buddies from Charlotte. I’ll have my new Browning 20 gauge in hand.
I earned the money for the new shotgun from speeches and columns criticizing feminism. That’ll give you something to be mad about. And, of course, later I’ll offer you some free meat from the hunt. And that’ll make you mad, too. But, I promise, I won’t hold the door for you again. I know the threshold of your tolerance.
10. Feminists care more about sex than sexual harassment.