and with a smile smug they shrink
below, swallowed safely by
Earth’s bowels only to
surface, when, spying
another pair of nyloned legs, they
fling their s**t and she
has to soak her shoes again.
Dragons rise to be slain,
I think, so pass word
on to the village: we must
band and roar like the tempest.
Certainly, your school cannot promote a very bad poem using the v-word, the b-word, and the c-word and then with a straight face ban the use of the word “hell.” So, here’s what I want you to do, David. I want you to take your sign down and replace it with another one saying “If You Hate America or its Leaders, then Get the Heck Out.”
After you do this, your accuser will have to file a new complaint over the new sign. The new complaint will prove conclusively that he is really after the content of your speech, not its form. In other words, he does not care about the use of the word “hell.” After the second complaint is filed, I want you to comply again by taking down that second sign. Then, I want you to replace it with a third sign that reads as follows:
“If you are easily offended by free speech, get the hell out of the country.”
Having already established that “hell” is not offensive, we will then be able to see whether the complainant objects to the new idea reflected in the new poster.
If he does, he will be in the awkward position of making the following argument:
“I think that speech decrying censorship is offensive and should be censored.”
But if he does try to have this third sign removed, please comply once again.
Then, I would like for you to replace the third sign with a fourth and final sign that reads as follows:
“This college is a bastion of censorship” (or perhaps “This college is run by intolerant and childish censors”).
If they allow you to leave this fourth sign up, you will have won and the administration will wish they had never picked a fight with you. If they ask you to take it down, you should refuse to do so and go immediately to the press and to the alumni association. This is a win-win situation for you. It is also going to be (pardon the language) a hell of a lot of fun.
Oh, and one more thing, David. You wrote that the College Republicans at your school may be “interested in scheduling (me) for a lecture and would like more information on how to do that.” That is no problem. Just contact the Young America’s Foundation at www.yaf.org. In fact, I am already working on the speech. Here’s how the first line will read:
“If you are easily offended by free speech, get the hell out of college.”
If this controversy is not resolved immediately after this column is published, we will name names and, of course, print phone and fax numbers. This is America, David. We will defeat these tyrants. Whether we do it the easy way or the hard way remains to be seen.
To be continued…
Mike S. Adams (firstname.lastname@example.org) will speak at Ohio University in Athens, Ohio on October 5th. The speech will begin at 8 p.m. It will be held in the 1804 Lounge Room in the Baker Center.