Dear ASU Women?s Center (firstname.lastname@example.org):
Hello ladies. I am writing to initiate negotiations for a legal settlement that I think will be in the best interests of ASU feminists. When I saw your website, I felt immediately sexually harassed as I read the following quotes:
"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." - Gloria Steinem
"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." - Charlotte Whitton
"Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece." - Anonymous
"If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the beginning of our menstrual cycle when the female hormone is at its lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that, in those few days, women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?" - Gloria Steinem
"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women." - Nicole Hollander
"A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't." - Rhonda Hansoms
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -Maryon Pearson
According to the examples of sexual harassment listed on the ASU website, you have clearly sexually harassed me and, in fact, every other man who has logged on to the Women?s Center website. For example, ASU claims that ?telling racist, sexist, homophobic jokes that demean people because of their protected class membership? is sexual harassment.
The only way that your website?s feminist quotes cannot be considered harassment is by excluding men as a ?protected class.? However, the ASU website also says that sexual harassment can take the form of simply ?stating that people of one sex are inferior to people of the other sex or can?t perform their jobs as well as a result of their sex; labeling people and jobs due to sex or other protected class membership.? The word ?or? may be your biggest problem.
As you can clearly see, this is an open and shut case. You are all - according to your own examples ? guilty of sexual harassment. And I am obviously a victim. Of course, I now want what all victims want. In other words, I want a lot of your money.
So, please, make sure that you send a check to the mailing address posted at the bottom of my website (www.DrAdams.org). And make sure that the amount is at least six digits. Otherwise, we may have to go to court and risk a lot of nasty media exposure.
While you are deciding on the amount of money to send, let me also give you a few questions to ponder:
1. Did it ever occur to you that your website is supported with North Carolina tax dollars? In other words, did it occur to you that the state is paying you to sexually harass men?
2. Does your use of the concept of a ?protected class? discriminate against men by seeking to protect only women?
3. Or does your double standard in the application of harassment policies really reflect a form of sexism against women? Perhaps you are really suggesting that women are emotionally inferior to men and, thus, need special protection from things that might upset them. Wouldn?t such a view contradict the quotes listed on your website?
I look forward to your answers to these questions. But, to be honest, I?m really looking forward to getting that check. My Ann Coulter Action Figure really needs some new cloths and I haven?t bought a gun in weeks.
Mike S. Adams is presently recovering from his ordeal by watching the new Jessica Simpson video and eating chocolate ice cream. He plans to resume work soon.
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