Dear Appalachian State University (ASU) President (email@example.com):
Please allow me to introduce myself. I am a Republican faculty member at your university. I say ?your? university because I do not feel that I fit in and, for the time being, wish to remain anonymous. I am also hoping that you will consider some of the harassment complaints I wish to register against the university in this brief letter.
In order to better understand the definition of harassment, I went to the ASU Equity Office website. Here are some examples they provided. Below some of the examples, I have suggested how I think they have been violated:
? telling racist, sexist, homophobic jokes that demean people because of their protected class membership.
Recently, one of my colleagues told a ?How many straight guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? joke in the office. I am assuming that when you use the term ?homophobic? you are referring to all those gay people who are afraid of heterosexuality. In that context, I feel that the light bulb joke is a harassing homophobic joke. Please legitimate my feelings by charging the offenders immediately.
? commenting inappropriately on someone?s appearance.
Someone in the office complimented me on my last haircut. Please give this matter your immediate attention.
? repeatedly requesting dates from a person who clearly isn?t interested.
? stating that people of one sex are inferior to people of the other sex or can?t perform their jobs as well as a result of their sex; labeling people and jobs due to sex or other protected class membership.
? sexual innuendoes & comments.
One of my colleagues was talking about objects (sex toys) she liked to insert into her rectum. Are those considered to be innuendos? By the way, she happens to be Italian.
? direct or indirect threats or bribes for unwanted sexual activity.
? intrusive sexually explicit questions.
? sexually suggestive sounds or gestures.
Recently, one of my students failed a test. When I passed back her paper, she said, ?Oh dear God. Oh my God.? Such orgasmic imitations are clearly beyond the scope of proper classroom conduct. Please investigate immediately.
? touching, patting, pinching, stroking, squeezing, tickling or brushing against a person.
Someone bumped into me in the cafeteria last week. It was uncomfortable. Now I know that it was harassment. I plan to look at the yearbook until I identify the perpetrator. I will be in touch soon.
? ogling or leering at a woman?s breast or a man?s derriè²¥.
I just wanted to know whether looking at a man?s breast or a woman?s derriere counts. Also, how many seconds can I look before the ?look? becomes an ?ogle? or a ?leer.?
? letters, notes, phone calls or material of a sexual nature.
Last semester, ASU sponsored a ?Discover the wonderful world of bedroom toys? event. Since ?sexual materials? are examples of harassment, it looks like the university harassed us all when they displayed those battery-operated plastic sex organs. Can I sue you directly, Mr. President?
? using derogatory epithets and stories that stereotype people.
On February 3, the school sponsored a program called ?Bush and Dick... What Now? A look at the Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgendered political climate after the re-election of Dubya.? Were those examples of epithets? Were they derogatory? Were they sexual? Can I sue the university, now?
? using slang words for people or for groups of people.
The campus diversity proponents have started to address gay people as ?queers? again. Can I sue for that, or do I have to be queer, too?
? imposing religious beliefs.
? demeaning photos, calendars, cartoons, or graphic content in areas where other University community members can view them.
Regarding this last example, I want to call your attention to all of the pictures of transvestites and obese lesbians you had on your website last year. Not all queers and lesbians are as ugly as your website suggests. If you don?t believe me, just rent ?Wild Things? this weekend.
I wonder whether the university has ever consider that - by putting the most outlandish pictures of transvestites, obese lesbians, and drag queen contestants on its site - it does little more than promote stereotypes against the people it claims to protect. Of course, if those photos are demeaning to gay people, the university is, by its own definition, guilty of harassment.
I am willing to bet that there are a lot of mainstream gays and lesbians who wish you would cut out all of this condescending diversity nonsense. I also bet that, like me, they see you as a bunch of hypocritical blowhards. But please don?t sue. It wasn?t meant in a sexual way.
Mike S. Adams is now featuring a ?Cigar of the Month? on www.DrAdams.org. Of course, that has nothing to do with the present commentary.