Mike Adams

Less than a year after her complaint she was fired for charging across the office at another employee and shouting ?f**k you? with her middle finger extended. I guess comfort is a two-way street. I think I?ll go to the store and buy her some Viagra as an early retirement gift. Or maybe I?ll just light a Churchill instead.

The C.A.O. Italia Piazza. I generally prefer the C.A.O. Brazilias to the Italias but this 6 ?? by 60 ring corona gorda is a must. If you like mocha java, you will love the chocolate and coffee notes in this cigar. It is a medium-bodied maduro that looks good and burns nicely.

This one is dedicated to a campus feminist who falsely accused my former department chair of sexual harassment. Not only did the university ignore the complaint, they promoted the falsely accused professor to an administrative position in the provost?s office. You have to love it when a feminazi tries to destroy an innocent man and he gets a promotion instead. Pass the matches!

The Oliva Maduro Churchill. This is one powerful 7? by 50 ring cigar. You don?t want to smoke this one after eating quiche and a salad. Save it for a night at the steakhouse. Warning: This cigar is so darned pretty you might not want to light it. But if you do and your head starts to spin after a few puffs, just sit back and smell the aroma. This one is a real bargain at about $5.50.

I hate to harp on Rita the bird-watcher but I have more bad news. After she complained to the administration about my love of guns, the university (I assume unknowingly) hired a new administrator who owns guns and even shot a buck two years ago. Are you ready for this? She?s the new director of the Women?s Resource Center. She may be a feminist but at least she?s packin? heat! That?s zero for two, Rita. Could you pass my cigar cutter? It?s right next to my .357 magnum.

The Punch Rare Corojo Double Corona. This 6 7/8? by 48 ring wonder is well constructed with a tight draw. The rich and creamy taste will have you smoking until your fingers burn.

Now, it just occurred to me that I haven?t paid my respects to Dan Rather for showing his ass during last year?s election. I plan to smoke this one with my left hand, while sticking my right index finger in my right ear and mindlessly repeating the phrase ?What?s the frequency, Kenneth?? For those who don?t get it, I don?t have the column space to explain this one. Suffice it to say that Dan Rather is a real nut job.

Needless to say, I could go on and on thanks to the efforts of people like Janeane Garofalo and Tom Cruise. But it?s getting late and I want to crawl in bed and finish The Count of Monte Cristo. Has anyone seen my Ann Coulter action figure?

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.