Mike Adams

How old are you, ma'am? I mean, you just look so young to have five children and six tattoos. What are their names? No, I mean the children. Oh, I thought his name was Jesus Christ. Never mind. How old is the one who keeps banging his head on the window? Do you think that might cause stupidity? or is it the stupidity that causes him to bang his head on glass windows in the first place? Yes, it really is a lot like the chicken and the egg, isn't it?  Genes are important, aren't they? Oh nothing, never mind.

Really, you're from Pennsylvania? How interesting. And you like NASCAR, too?  That's great. Where did you go to college? Quaker State? Just kidding. Could you pass me those earplugs?

Ma'am, that woman in the back with six tattoos keeps threatening to hit her child if he doesn't shut up by the count of three. Yes, I know it's her right but now she's at the count of 375. Would you mind flushing that kid's head down the toilet? No? Why not? Well, can I flush his head down the toilet? No? Well, why did you say, "If there's anything I can do to make the flight comfortable, just ask?

One more question, stewardess. Flight attendant? Okay, whatever. Could you please double your rates before I fly again next week? I'm sick and tired of "affordable" air travel. There's a reason I didn't take the bus. At least, there used to be a reason.

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.