Remember that administrators just fund these diversity projects to pad their vitae in order to get the next administrative job that pays more money. And, let's face the facts: No other school is going to hire me after I 'm done with this place.
In order to fund the parking deck, I plan to cut back on the number of administrators at UNC-Wilmington. When I came here twelve years ago, this school was run by only a fraction of the administrators we have now. Even then, they managed to get bored enough to think of stupid ideas like sensitivity training sessions for transgendered employees. Now, since most of them will be fired, the rest are going to have to work a little harder.
But I won't cut the total number of jobs at UNC-Wilmington. For every administrator I fire, there will be a university policeman added to the force. That has something to do with the murders of two UNCW students last year. It also has something to do with the fact that I intend to start selling beer on campus.
I have to be honest. I am going to allow beer to be sold in the student union only because I am sick and tired of students coming to me for help after a drunk driving charge. If you're going to get drunk, I want you to do it within walking distance of your dorm. Speaking of self-interest, I will only allow Sam Adams to be sold on campus because that's my favorite beer.
If you don't like it, that's tough. I'm the President.
I want to address the issue of dorms right now. Earlier this year, the administration kicked the juniors and seniors off campus because they claimed there is not enough room for you-especially in light of our many new building projects. I am hereby reversing that decision. Starting next year, there will be a giant new upper class dorm on campus.
The new upper class dorm is currently referred to as the "School of Education." If you've ever had an education class, you know what a joke that school is. By the way, the education professors were already fired this morning. It will probably take a few months for them to clean out their offices. It takes education professors at least ten times as long as the average person to accomplish any simply task. Sorry for the delay.
I also plan to close the university bookstore. If you don't know why, see my previous remarks about theft. You can now buy your books on Amazon.com, or anywhere else you see fit.
Those stupid Seahawk paw prints that were recently painted all over campus will also be removed. They just look too much like giant rat paws to stay. I was beginning to think the psychologists forgot to lock up one of their Skinner boxes after another ground-breaking experiment. But, now I know that the administration was behind it, I am going to make them clean up their own mess. The administrators who just got fired will have to remove them before they pick up their final paychecks.
And, finally, I want you to know that the Women's Resource Center, the Leadership Lecture Series, and all of the Democratic Party's campus slush funds will be shut down. After all, the name of this school is UNC-Wilmington, not DNC-Wilmington. Since we won't be funding the Democrats anymore, you can forget about the 11% tuition increase previously scheduled for next year.
This concludes my inaugural address. Since it was given via email and was not a part of a week-long installation (like the one given for my predecessor, Rosemary DePaolo), I have just saved you about $100,000.
Now go out and buy yourself a beer. Make it a Sam Adams. And make a toast to Mike Adams. That's president Adams, to you.