Mike Adams

When I first heard there was an organized effort to expel Rosemary DePaolo as UNC-Wilmington's  chancellor, I was taken aback. I thought the student group (called "I hate my chancellor") was way too harsh in their criticism of Dr. DePaolo. But, later, when I found out there was a group called "Mike Adams for chancellor" I got over it.

Tonight, I am pleased to accept your offer to lead UNC-Wilmington for the next three years.

My first act in office will be to change the name of my position. I will be called President Adams, not Chancellor Adams. I don't even know what the term "chancellor" means. It sounds like an overpaid, pompous ass to me.

Next, I will take a 50% salary cut. At over a quarter of a million dollars per year, our previous chancellor was grossly overpaid. Since I get royalties and honoraria as a professional author and speaker, I really could cut my salary even further. But, then again, I really enjoy buying guns I don't need. Therefore, we'll keep the salary cut at 50%.

My next act in office will be to stop stealing money from the students of UNC-Wilmington. That's what the previous administration has been doing. For example, they have been charging you a hefty computer use fee, without granting you full access to the computers. In fact, the university ran out of paper and toner and had to start shutting down labs on just the second day of school last year.

Of course, you never got a refund of your computer fees. That is called theft. I believe theft is absolutely wrong despite the claims of the moral relativists in the Office of Campus Diversity. Incidentally, I will pay for your new paper and toner by shutting down the Office of Campus Diversity.  They can't claim that shutting them down is wrong because they don't recognize a distinction between right and wrong. Everything is relative, remember?

The university is also stealing your money by charging you $175 for parking every year and not providing you all with a parking space. Currently, there are four students for every parking space. Pardon my language, but that really sucks. Expect to immediately receive a 75% reduction in your parking fees. Next, I will build a parking deck on campus. When I am finished, you will be able to park there for free.

The new parking deck will be in the place of the Cultural Arts Center, which is currently being built on the edge of campus. Let's face it, that center will probably be filled with sculptures of vaginas and African Warlords within a year. Since, no one cares about that artsy-fartsy crap, I plan to tear it down even before it is even finished.

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.