Mike Adams

*Women already have the vote. They also comprise nearly 60% of college students. That is why university Women?s Centers rarely do anything that involves expanding women?s rights. In fact, because their successes have resulted in a shortage of men on campus, they are now forced to spend student fees on sex toys to help ease their sexual frustration. For example, the University of New Hampshire recently used mandatory (not to be confused with wo-mandatory) student fees to purchase sex toys, a guide to ?underwear sex,? handcuffs, paddles, and vibrators. One pink vibrator, affectionately called Decadent Indulgence, cost $150.00. A demonstration of the vibrator?s capabilities was given on campus property in front of numerous onlookers. No, I am not joking. (See the following: http://www.tnhonline.com/main.cfm/include/detail/storyid/869250.html ).

*The illegitimacy rate among racial and ethnic groups in America varies directly (and perfectly) with the crime rate among racial and ethnic groups. The illegitimacy rate among racial and ethnic groups in America varies inversely (and perfectly) with the educational attainment rate among racial and ethnic groups.

*Ward Churchill isn?t really an Indian. (Warning: You can?t say Indian on college campuses. Nor can you root for the Cleveland Indians or the Atlanta Braves).

*Hate crime legislation is not the answer to all black people?s problems. In fact, blacks commit crimes against whites at a rate many times higher than whites commit crimes against blacks. The subject of ?hate crimes? is usually brought up by white politicians who are oppressing blacks by stealing money from social security and spending it on initiatives that provide jobs for white people and help get white politicians re-elected.

*Most social work professors have a two-digit IQ.

*Nothing has been accomplished in my own field, criminology, for at least 36 years. In fact, you can learn more about crime from a good letter to the editor in the school newspaper than you can from a criminology journal. In fact, more people read the school newspaper than the criminology journals.

*If you ever hear the term ?deconstruction,? it will be from someone interested in reconstruction. Specifically, they will be interested in reconstructing the Berlin Wall. This will not be true of all your professors. Some are not yet aware that the Berlin Wall has fallen.

*Global warming isn?t really a scientific?

Excuse me just a minute, boys and girls, I hear someone knocking at the door. I?ll be back in a minute.

Dr. Obvious never returned to class that day. He was escorted off campus by officers of the new Diversity Office at Springfield High School. Later, he changed his name to Dr. Oblivious and took a job as a Wal-Mart greeter. He now resides in Boise, Idaho.

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.