Mike Adams

I?ll never forget the day that Ms. Derwin got sick just before our high school biology exam. We had been studying evolution for weeks and were looking forward to a nice review session the day before the test. Ms. Merx from sociology had to cover for Ms. Derwin at the last minute. She tried to answer our questions, but I guess she was a little overwhelmed. This is all I remember:

Q: Ms. Derwin told us that the fittest individuals in the population will leave the most offspring. When I asked her to define ?fittest individuals? she said that they are the ones who leave the most offspring. Can you elaborate on that? I mean, if I told someone that the Pizza Hut is located next to the Wal-Mart they might ask me where the Wal-Mart is located. Shouldn?t I be prepared to tell them something more than ?next to the Pizza Hut??

A: I?m afraid I really don?t know the answer. It?s outside my area of ex ?

Q: I have a question about our reading from Richard Dawkins. He stated that an animal might have a need for five percent of an eye because it might provide him with five percent vision. Wouldn?t five percent of an eye produce zero percent vision?

A: Well, I?m afraid that it is purely a matter of speculation. I think that maybe ?

Q: Dawkins also talked about limbs evolving into wings. Do you think that a ?pre-wing? would be useful before it was capable of producing flight? It seems like an animal with a mutation like that would have difficulty climbing and grasping its food.

A: Oh, you are certainly wrong there, Jimmy. Such an adaptation must have happened according to the theory. If it was as awkward as you say, it would not have survived.

Q: Ms. Merx, where is the Pizza Hut?

A: It?s next to the Wal-Mart.

Q: Where is the ?

A: Shut up, Jimmy.

Q: My Dad is a computer programmer. He says that a random change in a Microsoft Word program would produce nonsense. Do you think that it could produce a coherent document in a different language?

A: I think it?s possible.

Q: Do you think that a change in Word could translate your sociology notes into biology notes, so you could give us some more coherent answers?

A: Shut up, Shirley. Does anyone have a non-sarcastic question?

Q: Wasn?t that a sarcastic question, Ms. Merx?

A: I said shut up, Shirley!

Q: What did Darwin mean when he said that ?Nature may almost be said to have guarded against the frequent discovery of her transitional or linking forms?? Was that a call for us to have faith over and above the failures of science?

A: I pray that you are only kidding.

Q: Aren?t you forbidden to pray in school, Ms. Merx?

A: Shirley, quit being such a God da?

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.