Put simply, Veit’s commentary makes no contribution to the debate over whether student groups have a right to limit membership to those who share their beliefs. Instead, Veit has simply made a fool of himself publicly in an effort to divide the Republican Party. But, in a sense, Veit has succeeded in the dividing the local party into two distinct camps.
The first camp, called the Ditsy Dicks, thinks that professor Veit is so intellectually challenged that he actually believes that the desire to discriminate on the basis of political affiliation translates into racism, homophobia, anti-wheelchairism, and all the other “isms” Veit enumerates.
However, a second camp, called the Tricky Dicks, believes that Veit knows that there is no such connection but, instead, knowingly misrepresented the motives of college students in an effort to destroy their reputations.
These two camps are presently at war in the local Republican Party. And now, for the first time, I am forced to use my position as a columnist to resolve this controversy before it destroys the local GOP.
Towards that end, I am asking the Ditsy Dicks and the Tricky Dicks to set aside their differences and commit to a democratic (as opposed to Democratic) resolution of this controversy. Specifically, I am calling for a special election to end this controversy once and for all. I am asking the people reading this editorial to cast a vote by e-mailing the following address between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. EST on Wednesday, December 17th, 2003: email@example.com
In order to vote, readers should simply send an email with either “Ditsy Dick” or “Tricky Dick” written in the subject line. In other words, readers will simply decide which camp has offered the best explanation for Dick Veit’s behavior. No further elaboration is necessary. The camp with the most votes wins, and we can finally put this controversy behind us starting on December 18th.
When readers cast their vote, they should consider the amount of time and money parents invest in their children’s education. For many families, funding a college education will be the second biggest investment they make, aside from buying a home. Is it really morally acceptable for these people to have to work so hard to send their kids to college so that professors can falsely accuse them of racism and anti-Semitism, with the full protection of tenure?
Regardless of the results of the election, there is one issue upon which Ditsy Dicks and Tricky Dicks can all agree. Dick Veit owes the CRs and their hardworking parents a public apology.
Mike Adams (firstname.lastname@example.org) is chairman of the Young Republicans and faculty advisor to the College Republicans. He recently heard a rumor that the university was considering a resolution to force Phi Beta Kappa to admit dummies. He promises to keep readers posted on any further developments.