Naturally, I was concerned that when I revealed this to my girlfriend (now my wife), she would be alarmed. I even thought it might end our relationship. But that wasn't so. When I told her about my condition, she came back with this stunning revelation: She's really a gay man trapped inside a woman's body. It seems we really were meant for each other! Shortly thereafter I proposed.
So now you know my secret. If the university tries to fire me for my conservative views, I will reveal my Lesbian In a Man's Body Orientation (LIMBO). Then I will argue that my conservative views are caused by my gender identity confusion. If they happen to be oblivious to the status of LIMBOs, I will just go ahead and get a sex change along with my wife (I hope cosmetic surgeons offer "two for one" specials). Certainly, they will decide to keep me if I actually become trans-gendered. And if I don't feel like being a woman anymore, I will simply change back to being a man. Hopefully, trans-trans-gendered persons will have the respect they deserve by the time I have my second surgery.
I hope these new revelations do not overwhelm my readers. I also hope that I haven't used any politically incorrect terminology in explaining my dilemma. If I find out that have, I will enroll in the new "Queer Theory" course (no, I am not making this up) being offered next semester in the Sociology Department.
And maybe the new course in "Queer Theory" will help me answer some other questions. For example, when did it become politically correct to use the term "queer?" And why do we need "queer theories" if sexual orientation is genetically determined? Finally, does anyone in the class want to be seen as an individual?
Mike S. Adams (email@example.com) is the author of "Welcome to the Ivory Tower of Babel," which will be released on April 15, 2004.