Dear Student X:
Just a few minutes ago as I was leaving work, I saw a campus feminist monitoring the bulletin boards here in the social science building at the University of North Carolina at Wonderland (UNCW). This is not the first time that I have seen her removing flyers from the bulletin boards simply because she deemed them to be offensive to women. I was not troubled by her removal of advertisements for local topless bars, but I was concerned that she was removing advertisements for fraternity parties. Since you are a member of a fraternity, I am sure that you agree that her behavior poses a grave threat to the liberties of all students, especially those in student organizations.
This incident probably reminds you of last spring when university employees removed your pro-war posters from the student union just minutes after you distributed them. This was despite the fact that the same employees left the posters of anti-war students untouched.
In response to this latest unacceptable form of thought control, I want to suggest that you print up about a thousand flyers, which read: "Property of the Feminist Thought Police." Later this week, I propose that you place 990 of these copies on all of the bulletin boards that this feminist professor has been patrolling. You can then place the remaining ten copies on her office door. This should suffice to let her know that there is someone who is aware that she is policing and suppressing free speech on this campus. Hopefully, she will act differently knowing that someone is monitoring her as she monitors others.
I also want to address the issue you raised concerning a picture of two naked men you found in dozens of gay magazines left in the student union. As you will recall, the picture showed a man standing in back of another man as he reached around and fondled his genitals. It appeared from the expression on his face, that he was also sodomizing the man standing in front of him. As I recall, you found this picture some time after you claimed that you were denied a position as a student orientation leader because of your religious objections to homosexuality.
I have since learned that this magazine, "Queer Notes," is a part of the university's diversity mission. You can even access the online version of the magazine on the Project B-Glad portion of the campus website, which is sponsored by the Office of Campus Diversity.
Unfortunately, these magazines were removed before the summer orientation sessions, so a lot of parents didn't get a chance to see them. Although you are not allowed to be a student orientation leader, you should make sure that on parents weekend everyone has a chance to properly evaluate the agenda of those who monitor and punish students for their religious beliefs.
Towards that end (no pun intended), I think that you should run off 2000 copies of those two gay men engaged in anal sex. With the help of a couple of friends who share your views, you could pass them out on parents weekend. After all, the purpose of the event is to let parents know what kind of education their kids are getting. You could even superimpose "celebrate sodomy" on the flyers. As long as you don't use the university logo everything should be fine. After all, you're just helping them to circulate the fruits of their own agenda. Again, no pun intended.
Finally, I want to address your concerns about the feminist play that the university sponsored last year, which you claimed was a celebration of pedophilia. I obtained a copy of the original play and found out that your assessment was pretty accurate. Clearly, a portion of that play celebrates a sexual act between an adult lesbian and a thirteen year-old girl. It also recounts an interview of a six-year-old girl, conducted by the author, which asks the child what her "vagina smells like." I also received the picture you sent of a poster advertisement for the play, which was paid for by the Women's Center. The poster called for all "p-----s" to unite and attend the pedophilic feminist play.
Remember that the sponsors of the play have been accused of censoring the views of their opponents, and of engaging in religious discrimination on this campus. In order to prevent such an accusation from being hurled at you, you should help them advertise their event by running off copies of their controversial ad, and by circulating even the most controversial (pedophilic) portions of the play.
By the time you're done, churches, senior citizen homes, politicians, and alumni could get a nice sampling of the campus diversity movement.
It should be obvious by now that the campus thought police have been monitoring and suppressing your beliefs. Since they are not allowing you to express your ideas, you should turn your energy to the dissemination of their ideas. And since their success has largely relied upon subtlety and secrecy, you should make certain that that is no longer possible. Above all, you must not allow them to restrict knowledge of their agenda to those over whom they exercise control and those with whom they agree.
It is a sad irony that in the age of diversity we are not always able to express the truth. But that doesn't mean that we can't remind people of what is true, by showing them what is not.
Mike Adams (email@example.com) is an associate professor at the University of North Carolina at Wonderland (UNCW). His first book, "Welcome to the Ivory Tower of Babel" will be published on one of his 364 un-birthdays.