Osama bin Laden was cornered by U.S. forces in his cave. He was reported to have been surrounded by 17 virgins whom he blew up along with himself, while shouting “Allahu, Akbar!”
In response, massive rallies were held in Washington.
In front of the Capitol, Cindy Sheehan addressed the crowd through a megaphone: “Did we really need over 3,000 deaths to make this happen? We could have sent cupcakes with sprinkles over to show our goodwill. Who knows? Osama could still be alive. We know that bullies are bullies because they haven’t been shown enough love. WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER!”
The ACLU sent a statement about the U.S. government’s lack of due process.
Ward Churchill, penning a book under contract with Beaufort Books, “If I Could Do It,” in a tower in the redwood forest of California, began leaking out a draft. A cable tower had been set up for him, for an office, and he received special tree-sitting privileges accorded to a little-known Native American tribe, recently discovered by a leading scholar at an ethnic studies department at the University of California, Santa Cruz. His missive in manuscript began, “The chickens have already come home to roost. Now the chicken hawks believe that they have captured the enemy? But who is the real enemy? The contractors and mercenaries of an imperialist government. . .” The statement was read to the crowd of graduate students by an English professor.
An effigy of General Petreaus was burned by protestors who wore Islamic garb and prisoner garb in sympathy with their brethren while singing, “We are the world.”
One young woman carrying a sign that read, “Bombs can kill terrorists, but only love can kill terrorism,” said, “Well, so what? They’ve captured one man. So does this mean the end to terrorism?”
“ Yeah,” said her companion, a young man in dreadlocks, “I mean, this is only one guy. So he’s made some bad choices. Is that any reason to put his body on national television? I mean, he has a right to privacy too, man.”
A bearded man in a purple sequined tutu then jumped in: “Yeah, and at what expense? We’ve lost all our civil liberties. Bob and I can’t even get married.”
A sixty-ish grizzled man in a tie-dye t-shirt waved his fists and shouted, “We ended the Vietnam War and we will end this one too!”
But across the globe, even bigger news was hitting. A man was said to be walking in sandals and speaking about “beating swords into plowshares.” He has also been luring young Palestinian children who had been chanting anti-Christian slogans away from their family televisions. He has invited them to him, saying, “Come unto me all ye children.” Amazingly, hardened children stopped mid-chant and skipped toward this man who held out his arms to them. They listened to his gentle words and ran off to play in peace and harmony, even approaching Israeli playmates.
Forgiveness, reconciliation, and kindness are reported on a massive, diplomatic scale. World leaders are dropping private ambitions and have confessed their bribe-taking and corruption. They have repented. Families have come together. Husbands are in love their wives and have no desire to hook up with Paris Hilton wannabe’s. Young women have become modest and young men have become gentlemen. All respect their elders and each other, and honor their parents.
When asked about this worldwide development, a member of Moveon.org, an extremely tattooed young man (with “Peace” and “Love” imprinted in gothic script up and down each arm and the word “godly” similarly inscribed around his neck) said, “What the f*&%! It’s got to be some kind of conspiracy, man. You know Cheney’s pulling the puppet strings on the dude preaching peace and love. Yeah, he comes in and wants to take credit for all the work we’ve done. It’s just like the Civil Rights movement. Just like they put Condoleezza Rice out there. But we know she’s just the kitchen slave for the Republican party.”
At that point a large woman with short, spiked hair and beefy arms came up to the young man and grabbed him by the throat, right where the word “godly” was tattooed.
“Down with the patriarchy!” she shouted into his face like a drill sergeant. “What the f*&% makes you think you’re godly? It’s the goddess that rules! Don’t you know that Earth is the mother of us all?”
At that point a contingent of females clad in bright pink charged a group of dreadlocked young men in black. Eight casualties were reported. The spiky haired woman was reported to have said, “We don’t need the men anyways. Our sisters in science will learn to clone.”
The Democratic candidates are withholding judgment about the sandaled man with followers who are children or just childlike. Hillary Clinton, on the campaign trail, said, “This is probably something the Neocon Creationists cooked up, another installment from the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. We need scientific verification. As president, the first thing I will do is appoint a panel. We need to look into these reports of healing the sick. We can’t have special health care privileges for some and not others.” (In an aside, she said, that it sounded like a publicity stunt by a rival publisher to her husband’s latest best-selling tome, Giving.)
Barack Obama, with Congressman Keith Ellison next to him, said, “We need to make sure that this guy is not discriminating. He seems to be taking away the focus on the charity of our women feeding the homeless during Ramadan.”
Dennis Kucinich, however, was the most angered. “This is a country with equal access to all. As president I plan to install the Department of Peace and get a task force on this first thing. We just can’t have these private initiatives.”
Newsbusted: Planned Parenthood, Cecil the Lion, Hillary Clinton, Jim Gilmore, Christ Mathews, Debbie Wasserman Shultz