Mary Grabar

But across the globe, even bigger news was hitting. A man was said to be walking in sandals and speaking about “beating swords into plowshares.” He has also been luring young Palestinian children who had been chanting anti-Christian slogans away from their family televisions. He has invited them to him, saying, “Come unto me all ye children.” Amazingly, hardened children stopped mid-chant and skipped toward this man who held out his arms to them. They listened to his gentle words and ran off to play in peace and harmony, even approaching Israeli playmates.

Forgiveness, reconciliation, and kindness are reported on a massive, diplomatic scale. World leaders are dropping private ambitions and have confessed their bribe-taking and corruption. They have repented. Families have come together. Husbands are in love their wives and have no desire to hook up with Paris Hilton wannabe’s. Young women have become modest and young men have become gentlemen. All respect their elders and each other, and honor their parents.

When asked about this worldwide development, a member of, an extremely tattooed young man (with “Peace” and “Love” imprinted in gothic script up and down each arm and the word “godly” similarly inscribed around his neck) said, “What the f*&%! It’s got to be some kind of conspiracy, man. You know Cheney’s pulling the puppet strings on the dude preaching peace and love. Yeah, he comes in and wants to take credit for all the work we’ve done. It’s just like the Civil Rights movement. Just like they put Condoleezza Rice out there. But we know she’s just the kitchen slave for the Republican party.”

At that point a large woman with short, spiked hair and beefy arms came up to the young man and grabbed him by the throat, right where the word “godly” was tattooed.

“Down with the patriarchy!” she shouted into his face like a drill sergeant. “What the f*&% makes you think you’re godly? It’s the goddess that rules! Don’t you know that Earth is the mother of us all?”

At that point a contingent of females clad in bright pink charged a group of dreadlocked young men in black. Eight casualties were reported. The spiky haired woman was reported to have said, “We don’t need the men anyways. Our sisters in science will learn to clone.”

The Democratic candidates are withholding judgment about the sandaled man with followers who are children or just childlike. Hillary Clinton, on the campaign trail, said, “This is probably something the Neocon Creationists cooked up, another installment from the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. We need scientific verification. As president, the first thing I will do is appoint a panel. We need to look into these reports of healing the sick. We can’t have special health care privileges for some and not others.” (In an aside, she said, that it sounded like a publicity stunt by a rival publisher to her husband’s latest best-selling tome, Giving.)

Barack Obama, with Congressman Keith Ellison next to him, said, “We need to make sure that this guy is not discriminating. He seems to be taking away the focus on the charity of our women feeding the homeless during Ramadan.”

Dennis Kucinich, however, was the most angered. “This is a country with equal access to all. As president I plan to install the Department of Peace and get a task force on this first thing. We just can’t have these private initiatives.”

Mary Grabar

Mary Grabar earned her Ph.D. in English from the University of Georgia and teaches in Atlanta. She is organizing the Resistance to the Re-Education of America at Her writing can be found at