If you go to a counselor "you end up divorced," said one. Several husbands told us they did not like to speak about their intimate problems to someone who is "watching the clock." One husband said he hated the idea of "paying someone to listen to your problems." Others had a more nuanced view: "Counselors are like ballplayers," said another, "some are good and some aren't."
In general, husbands expressed a strong preference for religious counseling over secular marriage counseling for two reasons: First, husbands had greater confidence that clergy would not purposefully or inadvertently encourage divorce. They saw religious counselors as actively rooting for the marriage to succeed. Second, husbands more often saw religious counselors as being genuinely interested in them and their marriage.
Wives did not have the same negative views about secular counseling. But I was surprised to find that, when push came to shove, more wives mentioned divorce attorneys than marriage counselors were key to turning their marriage around.
Why? When husbands behaved badly, wives looked for help from others -- be it family members or divorce lawyers -- to pressure their husbands to behave more like good family men. These women were lucky to find family law attorneys who listened to their desires, and acted as dire warning signals to their husbands about their discontent rather than hustling the couple down the path to divorce.
Marriage neutrality was not what unhappy spouses of either sex seeking help told us they wanted. Both husbands and wives said they wanted to get help from someone who wanted their marriage to succeed.
Here is my question for Dr. Pinsof and other marriage therapists who think as he does: Is there room in your profession for people like that, for the kind of counselors clients say they want -- pros who prefer marriage to divorce?