Larry Elder

Secretary: No, sir. It's pretty quiet out there. MSNBC hired another white host.

Jackson: No, they're on our side.

Secretary: Sorry, sir. Well, there's the black ho thing.

Jackson: The what?

Secretary: Hallmark put out a greeting card encouraging graduates to take on the world, even the universe.

Jackson: And?

Secretary: Well, the computer chip inside the card talks about "black holes."

Jackson: You mean as in black holes in outer space?

Secretary: Yes, sir.

Jackson: So what?

Secretary: Well, a civil rights group called the card racist because "black holes" sounds like "black hos."

Jackson: You're kidding me.

Secretary: No, sir. They got the company to pull the card.

Jackson: What moron said "black holes" in space sounds like "black hos"?

Secretary: The NAACP, sir.

Jackson: Anything else?

Secretary: Remember all those black women murdered in Los Angeles over a period of 25 years?

Jackson: Yes.

Secretary: They caught the guy.

Jackson: Fantastic. Is he white?

Secretary: No, sir. Black.

Jackson: Maybe half-white, like Obama?

Secretary: No, sir. Completely black.

Jackson: Damn.

Secretary: Sorry, sir.

Jackson: Wait. Did anybody criticize the way South Africa hosted the World Cup?

Secretary: No, sir, people called it well-run and said it enhanced Africa's image. Although -- a lot of people complained about those horns.

Jackson: That's no good. I found those suckers annoying, too. I even switched it off a couple of times and watched "Law & Order." And now it's over.

Secretary: The World Cup?

Jackson: No, "Law & Order." It's been canceled. I'm going to miss that show.

Secretary: Me too, sir.

Jackson: Looks like we'll have to run with the LeBron thing. Better get on it before Sharpton does. Maybe I can accuse the owner of having a slave mentality: "You'll go to your grave, thinking LeBron's a slave." Nah. Needs work.

Secretary: Slave, sir? The owner signed LeBron to a sign-and-trade deal for $110,000,000.

Jackson: How much?

Secretary: $110 million, sir. Sir? What's that noise?

Jackson: Sorry, I was practicing my jump shot. OK: "Lincoln's rolling in his grave, 'cuz you called this brother a slave."

Secretary: Better. Sir, Mel Gibson's on line one, and Rev. Sharpton's on line two.

Jackson: I'll take Sharpton. Is he calling about LeBron's owner?

Secretary: No, sir, he wants to know if you can get him season tickets for the Miami Heat.

Jackson: Tell him I'm not in. How about: "For talkin' trash, you can stick your money up..."?

Larry Elder

Larry Elder is a best-selling author and radio talk-show host. To find out more about Larry Elder, or become an "Elderado," visit