Larry Elder
Note to Readers: The following column is intended as satire.

This just in . . .

As family pets continue to die as a result of tainted pet food, congressional Democrats demand a federal investigation. In the meantime, they have requested that all new pet food be first tasted -- by Vice President Dick Cheney.

The Bush administration, in a reversal of policy, now says that children born in the United States to low-income illegal immigrants will qualify for Medicaid coverage. The policy change followed critics' claims that the Bush administration tried to ignore the 14th Amendment, which confers citizenship to anyone born on American soil. Still, pro-immigrants' rights organizations La Raza, the Mexican-American Legal Defense and Educational Fund and the ACLU are demanding a) that illegal alien parents get Medicaid, b) that illegal alien parents get affordable housing -- and c) the placement of anti-illegal immigrant Republican Rep. Tom Tancredo's head on a stick.

"Troubled" pop star Britney Spears has completed her nearly one-month stint in a rehabilitation center and "is doing fine," according to one magazine report. Spears checked herself in on Feb. 20, after she publicly shaved her head at a hair salon. After leaving the rehab center, the rejuvenated Spears announced a lucrative deal to do public appearances and make commercials -- for SuperCuts.

The Associated Press is reporting that the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change says CBS's Andy Rooney's eyebrows contribute significantly to global warming.

President Bush says he will assist Congress' investigation into the firing of eight U.S. attorneys. Bush intends to make all relevant documents available for examination in a private room. But in light of Clinton National Security Adviser Sandy Berger's theft of National Archives documents, the president is requiring that all lawmakers first remove their pants.

The New York Times reports that two Border Patrol agents were fired upon while examining packages of marijuana that floated ashore along the Rio Grande River. The agents, who returned fire, were unhurt. One witness said he did not see any drug smugglers, but thinks he saw Attorney General Alberto Gonzales trying to flee the country.

West Branch, Ohio, schools say they still do not know what caused students at Beloit Elementary School to break out in a rash, causing the closure of Beloit and one middle school. The district superintendent said that despite air and surface testing, health officials have not been able to pinpoint the source of the rash. But further tests uncovered the likely source -- algebra exams.


Larry Elder

Larry Elder is a best-selling author and radio talk-show host. To find out more about Larry Elder, or become an "Elderado," visit www.LarryElder.com.